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There has been an increase in the number of children and youngsters committing crime. What are the reasons for this? What punishments should they receive? v.2

There has been an increase in the number of children and youngsters committing crime. What are the reasons for this? What punishments should they receive? v. 2
Every other day in newspaper and television, there is augment in juvenile crime. There are numerous reasons behind this few of them are hunger and media itself. In this essay we will discuss the detail cause behind this tremendous increase in the number of adolescent misdeed and what can be done to reduce it. To begin with, the popular reason of juvenile wrongdoing is poverty and hunger. For instance, countries like India where there is a high rate of poverty there are a large number of crimes are that are being made by juveniles. As starvation leads them into criminal and without thinking it consequence, they just kill somebody or robbed. Another factor affecting this is mass media as youngster learns a lot through watching and seeing. For example, a high number of evil shows make them think like a criminal they start doing the same things as study shows that people has a great impact of what they see In their mind. Thus, making them criminal. Therefore poverty and television are the main cause of increasing wrong doing. The best way to tackle the problem is to have supervision by the parents for their children what they watch on the television. For example, blocking the sites of crime show just putting them on the kid's function is the best way to solve the problem. Another factor is government should also provide some food allowance to the poor people and also educational campaign is beneficial to decrease the wrongdoing and creating more job opportunities is the best ways to tackle this situation. Thus, parents and the authorities altogether can shrink the crime rate. To recapitulate, starvation and tv shows are the main logic of increasing misdeed, but with help from the government it can be reduced even to zero and make the world misconduct free as youth are the future of the country so their care is a must.
Every other day in newspaper and television, there is
Consider using a past participle here: "augmented".
augment
in juvenile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. There are numerous reasons behind this few of them are hunger and media itself. In this essay we will discuss the detail cause behind this tremendous increase in the number of adolescent misdeed and what can
be done
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
it.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the popular reason of juvenile wrongdoing is poverty and hunger.
For instance
, countries like India where there is a high rate of poverty there are
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are that are
being made
by juveniles. As starvation leads them into criminal and without thinking it consequence, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
kill somebody or robbed. Another factor affecting this is mass media as youngster learns a lot through watching and seeing.
For example
, a high number of evil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
like a criminal they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing the same things as study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
a great impact of what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
In their mind.
Thus
, making them criminal.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
poverty and television are the main cause of increasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
doing.

The best way to tackle the problem is to have supervision by the parents for their children what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
on the television.
For example
, blocking the sites of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
putting them on the kid's function is the best way to solve the problem. Another factor is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
also
provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
food allowance to the poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
also
educational campaign is beneficial to decrease the wrongdoing and creating more job opportunities is the best ways to tackle this situation.
Thus
, parents and the authorities altogether can shrink the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate.

To recapitulate, starvation and
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
are the main logic of increasing misdeed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
even to zero and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world misconduct free as youth are the future of the country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their care is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay There has been an increase in the number of children and youngsters committing crime. What are the reasons for this? What punishments should they receive? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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