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Some people get into debt by buying things that they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour. What actions can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v.1

Some people get into debt by buying things that they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour. What actions can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 1
In this contemporary world, newer and advanced gadgets come on the market everyday. While some individuals are greatly influenced by those materialistic things that they purchase such devices despite of no use, and sometime they even take debt to buy those items. This essay will examine the reasons behind this rising trend which includes the influence of the adverts as well as the measures that can be taken to tackle this issue. The major cause of the increasing consumerism is the greater impact of the advertisements on the mindset of people. Since in the modern era, there is a stiff competition among the manufacturers, therefore to endorse the sale of their products, they present their products in an attractive manner, which in turn, leads to the consumerism where people buy those expensive items in spite of being useless. In India, for instance, children and housewives are most vulnerable to these advertising companies, so these ads mostly target them. To elucidate, advertisements should be held responsible for this consumerist society which compels the people to buy such items which are not affordable. The solutions to prevent the community from getting into debt are not simple. First of all, the government should impose restrictions on the ads' companies and must make some rules and regulations so that these firms would show authentic information about their products and those who convey wrong knowledge to the customers must be punished. In several countries, for example, customers can go to the consumer court and they can file complaint against the manufacturer in case of any fault and misinformation. Henceforth, the authorities should issue guidelines for the advertising company and make strategies to protect the rights of the customers. In conclusion, although the problem has taken an immense place in the community and further forcing individuals to borrow money from their relatives and friends. This is mainly due to growing ads, but effective methods to overcome this should be taken by the government to regulate their activity.
In this contemporary world, newer and advanced gadgets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
on the market
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals are
greatly
influenced by those materialistic things that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
such devices
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, and sometime they even take debt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those items. This essay will examine the reasons behind this rising trend which includes the influence of the adverts
as well
as the measures that can
be taken
to tackle this issue.

The major cause of the increasing consumerism is the greater impact of the advertisements on the mindset of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Since in the modern era, there is a stiff competition among the manufacturers,
therefore
to endorse the sale of their products, they present their products
Consider replacing "in an attractive manner" with the adverb for "attractive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an attractive manner
, which in turn, leads to the consumerism where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those expensive items
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
being useless. In India,
for instance
, children and housewives are most vulnerable to these advertising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
these ads
mostly
target them. To elucidate, advertisements should
be held
responsible for this consumerist society which compels the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
such items which are not affordable.

The solutions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the community from getting into debt are not simple.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should impose restrictions on the ads'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that these firms would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
authentic information about their products and those who convey
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
knowledge to the customers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be punished
. In several countries,
for example
, customers can go to the consumer
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
court and
they can file complaint against the manufacturer in case of any fault and misinformation. Henceforth, the authorities should issue guidelines for the advertising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
strategies to protect the rights of the customers.

In conclusion
, although the problem has taken an immense place in the community and
further
forcing individuals to borrow money from their relatives and friends. This is
mainly
due to growing ads,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
effective methods to overcome this should
be taken
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to regulate their activity.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people get into debt by buying things that they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour. What actions can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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