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There are more advertisements aiming at children. Some people believe that they have negative effects on children and should be banned. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

There are more advertisements aiming at children. Some people believe that they have negative effects on children and should be banned. v. 1
it is claimed that the objective of most of the advertisements nowadays is young children, and many people reflect this is not good for children, therefore, this should be prohibited. In my point of view, such a trend have both positive and negative aspects to children. Starting with the good sides of the issue, these advertisements will keep children up to date about the new products, toys or services. More selection will be added to the toys wish-lists, so children can find and choose the ones that is the most suitable and favorable to them. advertisements regarding cereal for youngsters can be take as a good illustration for this. With various types of cereal being advertised on tv, children now can choose between those for the one that is most savoury to them or the one which an attractive cover and so on. Looking at the down sides of such an issue, it can be seen that due to the mass volume of advertisements, more unnecessary things will be purchase. When seeing a commercial on tv, children may insist the parents to purchase those whose appearance extremely attractive on tv. In case of some parents who over-indulge may actually get it for their child, and create an enormous waste if later on, the child tossed it away because there has been a releasing of a newer toy. Furthermore, children may be mislead by certain commercials. To attract more buyers, for example, some producers have inflated the use of their products through commercials. Like drinking milk produced by A company will turn a normal people into a strong person or eating cereals from brand B can make people smarter immediately. Although these just commercial, the majority of children still put faith in those. In summing up, with regard to all factors mentioned above, I deem that the disadvantages of such issue has outweigh it advantages. By virtue of such, it is my reflection that there should be a limitation on the broadcast of certain commercials targeting children on tv rather than a completely ban.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is claimed
that the objective of most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
nowadays is young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reflect this is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
therefore
, this should
be prohibited
. In my point of view, such a trend have both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects to children.

Starting with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sides of the issue, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
up to date about the new products, toys or services. More selection will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
to the toys wish-lists,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can find and choose the ones
that is
the most suitable and favorable to them.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
advertisements
regarding cereal for youngsters can be
Consider using a past participle here: "taken".
take
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration for this. With various types of cereal
being advertised
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can choose between those for the one
that is
most
Possible spelling mistake. 'savoury' is British English.
savoury
to them or the one which an attractive cover and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

Looking at the
Did you mean "downsides"?
down sides
of such an issue, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that due to the mass volume of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
, more unnecessary things will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
. When seeing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may insist the parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
those whose appearance
extremely
attractive on
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
. In case of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents who over-indulge may actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it for their child, and create an enormous waste if later on, the child tossed it away
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there has been a releasing of a newer toy.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may be
Consider using the past participle "misled"?
mislead
by certain commercials. To attract more buyers,
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
producers have inflated the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their products through commercials. Like drinking milk produced by A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
will turn a normal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
into a strong person or eating cereals from brand B can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
smarter immediately. Although these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
still
put faith in those.

In summing up, with regard to all factors mentioned above, I deem that the disadvantages of such issue has
Use past participle here: "outweighed".
outweigh
it advantages. By virtue of such, it is my reflection that there should be a limitation on the broadcast of certain commercials targeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
rather
than a
You used an adverb ('completely') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('ban') instead of another adjective.
completely ban
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes

IELTS essay There are more advertisements aiming at children. Some people believe that they have negative effects on children and should be banned. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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