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There are many things that motivate a person to work, but money is the most compelling. In your opinion, how influential is the power of money? v.1

There are many things that motivate a person to work, but money is the most compelling. In your opinion, how influential is the power of money? v. 1
It is widely known that Money basically the backbone of modern human civilization. There is a plethora of things that motivate people to work. However, Undoubtedly, The main motive is money, Because pupils want to fulfil their daily needs. This essay will illustrate money's potential power. Money control people's mind. It's increasingly common to know that whom possess money possess people. One of the most obvious examples is; corruption. Especially, Third world countries government is the source of corrupted individuals, (e, g Indonesia, India, etc. . ). It's commonly caused by the lack of surveillance from the supervisor or the governmental tools who thinks that their salary are no longer sufficient to sustain their lifestyle. Moreover, many believed that money can buy joy. Consequently, Those who trust in this nation will spend their entire life chasing money, and at their pension age, they finally realize that their hard work is in vain, because they cannot enjoy their own sweat. Unfortunately, Most of the regrets will come at the late moment. A study conducted by world suicide prevention cited that 60% of suicidal cars are involved money. By this statement alone we can conclude that Money wield power to determine a life of a human. Therefore, We must not depend for money exaggeratedly. In addition, Money as the perpetual machine of economy. The global economy of the world is based on it. Because it's versatility, World finance used it for every modern transaction that occur. Its categorization also has diverse in its own way, From dollar to rupiahs. From giving wage to an employee to global trade connection, it's all based on a single system, Money. Therefore it is unquestionably the most vital equilibrium that we still count on from ancient Egypt time till today. Without it, Humankind will suffer because the world economy will block by confusion about what currency that they should use. In conclusion, Although money influence the entire population of humanity, It also has several detrimental effects on human mental health. Despite the aforementioned statement, I should agree that money brings enormous role of human overall survival and happiness.
It is
widely
known that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
basically
the backbone of modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
civilization. There is a plethora of things that motivate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to work.
However
,
Undoubtedly
, The main motive is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
pupils want to fulfil their daily needs. This essay will illustrate money's potential power.

Money control
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's mind.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
It's
increasingly
common to know that whom possess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
possess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. One of the most obvious examples is; corruption.
Especially
, Third
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "countries'" or "country's"?
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is the source of corrupted individuals, (e, g Indonesia, India, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
Loose punctuation mark.
)
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
It's
commonly
caused by the lack of surveillance from the supervisor or the governmental tools who
Did you mean "think"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'tools' should be used.
thinks
that their salary are no longer sufficient to sustain their lifestyle.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
joy.
Consequently
, Those who trust in this nation will spend their entire life chasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, and at their pension age, they
finally
realize that their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work is in vain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
sweat. Unfortunately, Most of the regrets will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
at the late moment. A study conducted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
suicide prevention cited that 60% of suicidal cars
are involved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. By this statement alone we can conclude that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
wield power to determine a life of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
.
Therefore
, We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depend on".
depend
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
exaggeratedly
.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
as the perpetual machine of economy. The global economy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is based
on it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
versatility,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
finance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
it for every modern transaction that occur. Its categorization
also
has diverse in its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way, From dollar to rupiahs. From giving wage to an employee to global trade connection,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
all based on a single system,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it is
unquestionably
the most vital equilibrium that we
still
count on from
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
ancient Egypt
time till
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. Without it, Humankind will suffer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
economy will block by confusion about what currency that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.

In conclusion
, Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
influence the entire population of humanity, It
also
has several detrimental effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
mental health. Despite the aforementioned statement, I should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
brings enormous role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
overall
survival and happiness.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay There are many things that motivate a person to work, but money is the most compelling. In your opinion, how influential is the power of money? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
352 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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