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There are many parents that make use of smartphones in order to stay to stay communicated with their children. What do you thing about that? (explain) v.2

There are many parents that make use of smartphones in order to stay to stay communicated with their children. What do you thing about that? (explain) v. 2
One of the most used devices around the globe is the smart phone. This particulary techonological stuff that can take pictures, record video and audios, make easier the communication throught using internet. Even though, some parents allow to their children to use this kind of device with internet access with the purpose of establish communication with them. From my point of view, this device is not designed to be using by a child, because him not could be able to using only to receive callings or send messages, as well we know the curiosity of a kid is huge, so probably he will use the internet for other functions. First, there are many websistes and mobile application with explicit content online, it could change the behave of a child, converting him into a more madurer person. For example, when I was living in cozy community in Guatemala, I had the opportunity of meet a child of 8 years old, Lucas, he was alone at home most of the time due to his parents worked hard to earn a living. Nonetheless, in order to stay in contact with him, his parents gave him a brand-new smartphone which was connected to the wifi' s house. When I was invited to a local community celebration, their parents gave to me the responsability to take care of the child, then I accepted. Later, I realized he was watching violence movies on youtube, suddenly I grabbed his cellphone and I called to his parents. Their parents thanks to me and told me that Lucas personality changed since they give him that cellphone, as a consequence he started to do things as an adult person do such as instead of watching cartoon movies he start watching news. Second, a child need to be feel free and enjoyabled, I mean do the same things as a child. The internet could distracting him of make new friends, practice a sport or developed his creativity. For instance, Mario, one of my best friends, considers that life his childhood is described in only one word " fun" , he learned how to play soccer, fly a knite and make a wood skateboard. Nowadays, that he is older he judge that some children are losing a good adventures using their cellphones, and remarks that he wants to came back to that glorious age. In conclusion, the parents should restrict the use of this device with internet connection, because the children are tempting to be affected by unwished data, and isolated them to live happy. Personally, I, recommend to parents do not try to stay communicated with the kids by this way, soon or later the child will not the risks of the internet.
One of the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
around the globe is the smart phone. This
Possible spelling mistake found.
particulary
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techonological
stuff that can take pictures, record video and audios,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
easier the communication
Possible spelling mistake found.
throught
using internet.
Even though
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
to their children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
with internet access with the purpose of establish communication with them. From my point of view, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
is not designed to be using by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
him not could be able to using
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to receive callings or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
messages,
as well
we know the curiosity of a kid is huge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
probably
he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet for other functions.

First
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
websistes
and mobile application with explicit content online, it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'behave' is correct. If 'behave' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the behave
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, converting him into a more
Possible spelling mistake found.
madurer
person.
For example
, when I was living in cozy community in Guatemala, I had the opportunity of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
of 8 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, Lucas, he was alone at home most of the time due to his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to earn a living. Nonetheless, in order to stay in contact with him, his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
gave him a brand-new smartphone which
was connected
to the
Possible spelling mistake found.
wifi&
#039; s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. When I
was invited
to a local community celebration, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
gave to me the
Possible spelling mistake found.
responsability
to take care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, then I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
. Later, I realized he was watching violence movies on
Possible spelling mistake found.
youtube
,
suddenly
I grabbed his cellphone and I called to his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You should probably use "thank".
thanks
to me and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that Lucas personality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
since they give him that cellphone, as a consequence he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to do things as an adult person do such as
instead
of watching cartoon movies he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "starts", "started".
start
watching news.

Second, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
need to be feel free and
Possible spelling mistake found.
enjoyabled
, I mean do the same things as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. The internet could
The verb 'could' requires the base form of the verb: "distract"
distracting
him of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends, practice a sport or developed his creativity.
For instance
, Mario, one of my best friends, considers that life his childhood is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one word
Possible spelling mistake found.
&quot
;
Possible spelling mistake found.
fun&quot
;
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
he learned how to play soccer,
fly
a
Possible spelling mistake found.
knite
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a wood skateboard. Nowadays, that he is older he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "judges", "judged".
judge
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children are losing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
adventures using their cellphones, and remarks that he wants to
Did you mean "come"?
came
back to that glorious age.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should restrict the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
with internet connection,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the children are tempting to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
Possible spelling mistake found.
unwished
data, and isolated them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happy.
Personally
, I, recommend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not try to stay communicated with the kids by this way,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
or later the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
will not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of the internet.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
20Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay There are many parents that make use of smartphones in order to stay to stay communicated with their children. What do you thing about that? (explain) v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
452 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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