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The young today spend a large amount of their leisure time in shopping centers. It is feared that this trend can bring negative influences on the youths and the society. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this view? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.1

The young today spend a large amount of their leisure time in shopping centers. It is feared that this trend can bring negative influences on the youths and the society. with this view? v. 1
Some individuals are of the opinion that the recent practice of youngsters spending more time in shopping malls, will influence them and their environment negatively. I consider that, visiting the store at will by teenagers create a desperation in their minds and this is bad for the society as a whole. Firstly, spending leisure hours in the mall is not in itself a bad idea for people. However, for teenagers, it is not advisable because when they see desirable items, temptation arises within them and they are under pressure to go the extra mile, doing everything possible to purchase the product if their parents can not afford it. Evidently, this is not a good influence on the child. Therefore, such aimless visits to the malls ought to be prevented by parents. For instance, I have had to constantly reitrate to my 15 year old cousin to be contented with whatever her parents give her due to the fact that her frequent trips with her friends after school hours to the store has developed in her a craving for extravagant things. Thus, prompting her to steal her mother's money. Hence, guardians should try and engage their youths at leisure periods. Secondly, allowing youngsters to leisurely go to shopping centres not only affect the individual negatively, it also has adverse effect on the society. This is because the desperation created in the minds of these children is a seed which will germinate into theft. In addition, many of the armed robbers out there today started from just being coveteous. An example is that of a renowned hired assasin who is presently on death row. He blamed his father for indulging him too much when he was young. He arrived home whenever he pleases and nothing his parents gave him was ever enough. Lastly, parents should train their children to be good citizens and not breed rogues for the society. In conclusion, while spending free time to shop is not bad, I think parents should frown at it because it creates desperation in young minds and the society will be at the receiving end afterall
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals are of the opinion that the recent practice of youngsters spending more time in shopping malls, will influence them and their environment
negatively
. I consider that, visiting the store at will by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
create a desperation in their minds and this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for the society as a whole.

Firstly
, spending leisure hours in the mall is not in itself a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
However
, for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, it is not advisable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
desirable items, temptation arises within
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they are under pressure to go the extra mile, doing everything possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the product if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can not afford it.
Evidently
, this is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
influence on the child.
Therefore
, such aimless visits to the malls ought to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For instance
, I have had to
constantly
Possible spelling mistake found.
reitrate
to my 15 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
cousin to
be contented
with whatever her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give her due to the fact that her frequent trips with her friends after school hours to the store has developed in her a craving for extravagant things.
Thus
, prompting her to steal her mother's money.
Hence
, guardians should
"Try and" is common in colloquial speech, but "try to" is recommended for writing.
try and
engage their youths at leisure periods.

Secondly
, allowing youngsters to
leisurely
go to shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affect the individual
negatively
, it
also
has adverse effect on the society. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the desperation created in the minds of these children is a seed which will germinate into theft.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the armed robbers out there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
being
Possible spelling mistake found.
coveteous
. An example is that of a renowned hired
Possible spelling mistake found.
assasin
who is
presently
on death row. He blamed his father for indulging him too much when he was young. He arrived home whenever he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
pleases
and nothing his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
gave him was ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
Lastly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should train their children to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizens and not breed rogues for the society.

In conclusion
, while spending free time to shop is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should frown at it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it creates desperation in young minds and the society will be at the receiving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
Did you mean "after all"?
afterall
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The young today spend a large amount of their leisure time in shopping centers. It is feared that this trend can bring negative influences on the youths and the society. with this view? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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