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The young today spend a large amount of their leisure time in shopping centers. It is feared that this trend can bring negative influences on the youths and the society. v.2

The young today spend a large amount of their leisure time in shopping centers. It is feared that this trend can bring negative influences on the youths and the society. v. 2
Observation has concluded that the majority of people think in a manner that new generation are consuming their free time in malls and markets. That is formidable and this tendency can carry a bad impact on young individuals as well as society. In my viewpoint, I completely agree with above notion which is explained in further paragraphs. Among the many arguments put forward by those who support the above viewpoint, including myself, perhaps, the most plausible one is related to over purchasing. To be more precise, normally people attract with discount and advertisement and buy unnecessary product. Thus, it is a waste of money additionally people not justify the value of money. Furthermore, the second idea is relevant to learn new skills or enhancing their education. In other words, students or younger public that time diverts into their study or gain a new skill rather than wasting time in a shopping mall. Thus, teenagers should spend more time towards learning On the other hand, foremost claim put forward by those who oppose the above notion is bargaining for things. It means, younger people when purchase something that time they can decide the value of the product and they can learn about market experience. Therefore, the ability of recognising a product may help in upbringing of the children. All in all, young generation more time passes on shopping. This essay has discussed about unnecessary purchasing and enhancing the skill of individuals. However, knowing about the market is also important so it cannot be neglected in the future.
Observation has concluded that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in a manner that new generation are consuming their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in malls and markets.
That is
formidable and this tendency can carry a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on young individuals
as well
as society. In my viewpoint, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with above notion which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in
further
paragraphs.

Among the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
arguments put forward by those who support the above viewpoint, including myself, perhaps, the most plausible one
is related
to over purchasing. To be more precise,
normally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attract with discount and advertisement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
unnecessary product.
Thus
, it is a waste of money
additionally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not justify the value of money.

Furthermore
, the second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is relevant to learn new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
or enhancing their education.
In other words
, students or younger public that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
diverts into their study or gain a new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
rather
than wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in a shopping mall.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
towards learning

On the other hand
, foremost claim put forward by those who oppose the above notion is bargaining for things. It means, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
something that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they can decide the value of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
product and
they can learn about market experience.
Therefore
, the ability of
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognising' is British English.
recognising
a product may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in upbringing of the children.

All in all, young generation more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
passes on shopping. This essay has
Did you mean simply "discussed unnecessary"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discussed about unnecessary
purchasing and enhancing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of individuals.
However
, knowing about the market is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it cannot
be neglected
in the future.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The young today spend a large amount of their leisure time in shopping centers. It is feared that this trend can bring negative influences on the youths and the society. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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