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The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certainplaces so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree ordisagree? v.2

The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certainplaces so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. v. 2
Nowadays, the question of whether mobile phones should be banned like smoking in public places or not has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although using cellphones has some demerits, this suggestion is groundless. There are a whole host of reasons why people are not in favor of banning mobile phones. First, since the mobile phone and cigarettes are two distinct products, any comparisons seem implausible. In fact, cigarettes contain some hazardous chemical compounds that directly deteriorate human’s health, while mobile phone has nothing to do with these poisonous chemicals, which makes the idea of prohibiting mobile phones unreasonable. Second, people, rather than mobile phones, are the factors that ultimately decide to engage in antisocial behaviors. In fact, there are plenty of mobile phone users who are even more prosocial than non-users, which leads to an insignificant causal relationship between mobile phones and antisocial behaviors. However, the mobile phone also brings us plenty of indisputable benefits. First, in order to keep in touch with others, it helps people to speak or send messages easily. For example, students who are studying abroad can use their phones to make a phone call or even a video call with their relatives or family, which brings them closer to their hometown that so far away. Second, by providing users with a variety of amazing functions such as maps, weather forecasts, and event calendars, …, those portable phones could make people’s life become much easier. In fact, thanks to maps application in smartphones, some travelers avoid the risk of getting lost in the dangerous areas such as tropical jungles, steep canyon, …, which not only brings them convenience but also some timely instructions. In conclusion, mobile phones should not be banned as the same as smoking. By using mobile phones reasonably, there are plenty of benefits which can be exploited.
Nowadays,
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
should
be banned
like smoking in public places or not has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although using cellphones has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits, this suggestion is groundless.

There are a whole
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "hosts"?
host
of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not in favor of banning mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
First
, since the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and cigarettes are two distinct products, any comparisons seem implausible. In fact, cigarettes contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hazardous chemical compounds that
directly
deteriorate human’s health, while mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
has nothing to do with these poisonous chemicals, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of prohibiting mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
unreasonable. Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
rather
than mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, are the factors that
ultimately
decide to engage in antisocial behaviors. In fact, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
users who are even more prosocial than non-users, which leads to an insignificant causal relationship between mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and antisocial behaviors.

However
, the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
also
brings us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of indisputable benefits.
First
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with others, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to speak or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
messages
easily
.
For example
, students who are studying abroad can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
call or even a video call with their relatives or family, which brings them closer to their hometown that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far away. Second, by providing users with a variety of amazing functions such as maps, weather forecasts, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
calendars, …, those portable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life become much easier. In fact, thanks to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "map".
maps
application in smartphones,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
travelers avoid the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of getting lost in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
areas such as tropical jungles, steep canyon, …, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
brings them convenience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
timely instructions.

In conclusion
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
should not
be banned
as the same as smoking. By using mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
reasonably
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of benefits which can
be exploited
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certainplaces so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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