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The unlimited use of cars cause many problems. What are those problems? In order to reduce the problems, should we discourage people ro use cars? v.1

The unlimited use of cars cause many problems. What are those problems? In order to reduce the problems, should we discourage people ro use cars? v. 1
A society of people believes that it is good for an employee to work for the same organization until they retire. Whereas, the other proportion of people tends to differ from this approach. In my opinion, I agree with the latter school of thought. On one hand, working for the same company throughout their working life enables the employees to obtain complete knowledge about that workspace. For instance, a research conducted by the World Works Council states that any worker who remains in the same company until their retirement age, will be able to handle any sector within that organization. It is because, they would have acquired a lot of insights about the past, present, and future of that work environment. Therefore, staying in one workplace until the end of their work-life will make them more knowledgeable about that organization, which lacks in the newcomers. On the other hand, it is better to shift from one company to another as it escalates the efficiency at work and enhances an employee's pay scale exponentially. For example, a survey conducted by the World Works Council records that people who have worked in a minimum of six companies, before they attain their retirement age will have earned and saved a lump sum amount, compared to those who stay in the same workplace. Not only they earn better, but also they would have imbibed widespread knowledge learned from other work environment. As a result, these employees get promoted easily and will have the potential to lead a workforce. In conclusion, changes are inevitable and vital for the employee's personality development. Hence, I strongly believe that it is best to work for different organisations rather than remaining in the same company until retirement.
A society of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believes that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for an employee to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the same organization until they retire.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the other proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tends to differ from this approach. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.

On one hand, working for the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
throughout their working life enables the employees to obtain complete knowledge about that workspace.
For instance
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by the World Works Council states that any worker who remains in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
until their retirement age, will be able to handle any sector within that organization. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, they would have acquired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
insights about the past, present, and future of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
environment.
Therefore
, staying in one workplace until the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of their work-life will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more knowledgeable about that organization, which lacks in the newcomers.

On the other hand
, it is better to shift from one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to another as it escalates the efficiency at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and enhances an employee's pay scale
exponentially
.
For example
, a survey conducted by the World Works Council records that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have worked in a minimum of six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they attain their retirement age will have earned and saved a lump sum amount, compared to those who stay in the same workplace. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they earn better,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they would have imbibed widespread knowledge learned from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
environment.
As a result
, these employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promoted
easily
and will have the potential to lead a workforce.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are inevitable and vital for the employee's personality development.
Hence
, I
strongly
believe that it is best to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.
organisations
rather
than remaining in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
until retirement.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The unlimited use of cars cause many problems. What are those problems? In order to reduce the problems, should we discourage people ro use cars? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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