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The pie graphs below compare the percentages of the population in three different age groups, in two nations, in 2000 and 2050. v.1

The pie graphs below compare the percentages of the population in three different age groups, in two nations, in 2000 and 2050. v. 1
There is a unique phenomenon in Bali recently, several sport bars have been opened. This is because some people enjoy watching sports while drinking beer. However, some of us argue that spending spare time watching sport is not wise. In this essay, I shall support this statement by giving some examples of more beneficial activities to be done in leisure time. To begin with, the notion that people watching sport in their spare time is not 100% true. It is because in some countries, namely Indonesia, there are hours of time differences. For example, most of times, audiences wake at midnight just to turn on their television and watch the match. This routine makes them restless and also disturbs other’s sleeping time, especially if the spectators watch the match in their living room. Secondly, I personally believe, unless the audience is a professional sports player who want to learn some techniques from the matches, it is wiser to spend time wisely doing some other activities. Namely, doing instead of watching sports, reading e-book, and traveling. There is a huge difference between watching and learning from sport matches. In my opinion, watching sports can be beneficial if it is done in an adequate amount of time and then it is continued by doing the sport itself. Doing direct physical activities can boost the stamina, improve the necessary skills, and strengthen the teamwork ability. In conclusion, I believe that watching sport matches is just a waste of time unless the audience is a professional athlete. There are so many above mentioned beneficial activities to be done in leisure time.
There is a unique phenomenon in Bali recently, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
bars have
been opened
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
enjoy watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
while drinking beer.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of us argue that spending spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is not wise. In this essay, I shall support this statement by giving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples of more beneficial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to
be done
in leisure time.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the notion that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
in their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is not 100% true. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
namely
Indonesia, there are hours of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
differences.
For example
, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, audiences wake at midnight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to turn on their television and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
match
. This routine
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them restless and
also
disturbs other’s sleeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
especially
if the spectators
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
match
in their living room.

Secondly
, I
personally
believe, unless the audience is a professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
player who want to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
techniques from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matches
, it is wiser to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
wisely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Namely
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
instead
of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, reading e-book, and traveling. There is a huge difference between watching and learning from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matches
. In my opinion, watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can be beneficial if it
is done
in an adequate amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and then it
is continued
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
itself.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Doing
direct physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can boost the stamina,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and strengthen the teamwork ability.

In conclusion
, I believe that watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matches
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
unless the audience is a professional athlete. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
above mentioned beneficial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to
be done
in leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie graphs below compare the percentages of the population in three different age groups, in two nations, in 2000 and 2050. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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