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The pie graphs below compare the percentages of the population in three different age groups, in two nations, in 2000 and 2050. v.1

The pie graphs below compare the percentages of the population in three different age groups, in two nations, in 2000 and 2050. v. 1
There is a unique phenomenon in Bali recently, several sport bars have been opened. This is because some people enjoy watching sports while drinking beer. However, some of us argue that spending spare time watching sport is not wise. In this essay, I shall support this statement by giving some examples of more beneficial activities to be done in leisure time. To begin with, the notion that people watching sport in their spare time is not 100% true. It is because in some countries, namely Indonesia, there are hours of time differences. For example, most of times, audiences wake at midnight just to turn on their television and watch the match. This routine makes them restless and also disturbs other’s sleeping time, especially if the spectators watch the match in their living room. Secondly, I personally believe, unless the audience is a professional sports player who want to learn some techniques from the matches, it is wiser to spend time wisely doing some other activities. Namely, doing instead of watching sports, reading e-book, and traveling. There is a huge difference between watching and learning from sport matches. In my opinion, watching sports can be beneficial if it is done in an adequate amount of time and then it is continued by doing the sport itself. Doing direct physical activities can boost the stamina, improve the necessary skills, and strengthen the teamwork ability. In conclusion, I believe that watching sport matches is just a waste of time unless the audience is a professional athlete. There are so many above mentioned beneficial activities to be done in leisure time.
There is a unique phenomenon in Bali recently, several
sport
bars have
been opened
. This is
because
some
people
enjoy watching
sports
while drinking beer.
However
,
some
of us argue that spending spare
time
watching
sport
is not wise. In this essay, I shall support this statement by giving
some
examples of more beneficial
activities
to
be done
in leisure time.

To
begin
with, the notion that
people
watching
sport
in their spare
time
is not 100% true. It is
because
in
some
countries,
namely
Indonesia, there are hours of
time
differences.
For example
, most of
times
, audiences wake at midnight
just
to turn on their television and
watch
the
match
. This routine
makes
them restless and
also
disturbs other’s sleeping
time
,
especially
if the spectators
watch
the
match
in their living room.

Secondly
, I
personally
believe, unless the audience is a professional
sports
player who want to learn
some
techniques from the
matches
, it is wiser to spend
time
wisely
doing
some
other
activities
.
Namely
,
doing
instead
of watching
sports
, reading e-book, and traveling. There is a huge difference between watching and learning from
sport
matches
. In my opinion, watching
sports
can be beneficial if it
is done
in an adequate amount of
time
and then it
is continued
by
doing
the
sport
itself.
Doing
direct physical
activities
can boost the stamina,
improve
the necessary
skills
, and strengthen the teamwork ability.

In conclusion
, I believe that watching
sport
matches
is
just
a waste of
time
unless the audience is a professional athlete. There are
so
many
above mentioned beneficial
activities
to
be done
in leisure
time
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie graphs below compare the percentages of the population in three different age groups, in two nations, in 2000 and 2050. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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