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The two pie charts below show the average household expenditures in a country in 1950 and 2010. v.1

The two pie charts below show the average household expenditures in a country in 1950 and 2010. v. 1
It is thought by many that music across the world is often used as a tool to shrunken the gap between various cultures and generations. I completely agree with this notion not only because remakes of older versions are equally popular among all ages and international music concerts are frequent irrespective of bizarre language, but also the money generated from music concerts is used for cultural promotion. Firstly, many music production companies are making a new version of old songs which are liked by both youngsters and adults. Since there is always a contradiction of thoughts between young and older people which is now diminishing with the advent of the new version. Take an example of India, where the report of a survey conducted by the Eros music company revealed that the majority of people aged between 20-60 prefer remixes of old songs rather than the new. Thus, music has brought people of all ages closer than ever before. Secondly, the concerts organized by the music industry, on an international level, provide a platform for people to broaden their horizons by exposing themselves to different cultures. Many countries take part in these programs, and singers represent their national language and costume, in this way the participants learn about other cultures. For instance, an Indian singer, AR Rahman, is making a fusion of western and eastern music with the collaboration of a famous American singer Brian Adams to introduce Hindu civilization to the western world. Hence, music is a way to bring cultures together. Finally, many governments utilize money generated by the music industry to introduce their culture worldwide by inviting guest singers to the country, which is a way to give a better image to the world. To sum up, I completely agree that music brings cultures and ages together by making remakes, conducting concerts all around the world, and using the money earned from the music industry to promote their culture.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
across the world is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a tool
Did you mean "to shrink"?
to shrunken
the gap between various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and generations. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
remakes of older versions are
equally
popular among all ages and international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
are frequent irrespective of bizarre language,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the money generated from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for cultural promotion.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
production
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are making a new version of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
songs which
are liked
by both youngsters and adults. Since there is always a contradiction of thoughts between young and older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
diminishing with the advent of the new version. Take an example of India, where the report of a survey conducted by the Eros
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
revealed that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aged between 20-60 prefer remixes of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
songs
rather
than the new.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has brought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all ages closer than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
organized by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry, on an international level, provide a platform for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to broaden their horizons by exposing themselves to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in these programs, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
represent their national language and costume, in this way the participants learn about other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
For instance
, an Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singer
, AR Rahman, is making a fusion of western and eastern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
with the collaboration of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
American
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singer
Brian Adams to introduce Hindu civilization to the western world.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a way to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
together.

Finally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
utilize money generated by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry to introduce their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
worldwide by inviting guest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
to the country, which is a way to give a better image to the world.

To sum up, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and ages together by making remakes, conducting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
all around the world, and using the money earned from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry to promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The two pie charts below show the average household expenditures in a country in 1950 and 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
322 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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