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The two charts below compare the populations of France and India in the age distribution and gender in 1984. v.1

The two charts below compare the populations of France and India in the age distribution and gender in 1984. v. 1
Educating children is an ever-challenging task. Some recent parenting theories suggest that offspring should be given their independence when it comes to behavior and decision-making at an early age. Due to their lack of maturity at this stage and the possible long-lasting consequences of their wrong decisions, I totally disagree with this approach. Firstly, young children are not mature enough to realize how the world really works. But what does maturity really mean? Maturity represents the experience gained throughout the life cycle, the one which helps people distinguish good from evil, right from wrong. At an early age, it's impossible for children to have such experience and to use it when needed. For instance, children tend to believe that everyone around them is as caring and loving as their family; therefore, they are an easy target to people with hazardous intentions, such as pedophiles, kidnappers etc. In order to avoid this kind of people, it's advisable that especially at an early age, children should not take actions without their parents' approval. Secondly, children taking their own decisions at early stages might result in irreversible consequences later in life. For example, children who have peers that smoke, drink alcohol, or even take drugs, might get curious to try them as well, enhancing their chances for regular use. If children hide this from their parents, they will cause permanent damages to their health. Considering this options and their potential drawbacks, young children's decision-making without their parents' guidance, is completely unacceptable. In conclusion, we cannot expect children with neither life experience, nor a realistic view of the consequences of their actions, to behave and make decisions independently. This only emphasizes their need for parents advise and protection, at least until the age of 18.
Educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is an ever-challenging task.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
recent parenting theories suggest that offspring should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
their independence when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to behavior and decision-making at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. Due to their lack of maturity at this stage and the possible long-lasting consequences of their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decisions, I
totally
disagree with this approach.

Firstly
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to realize how the world
really
works.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
what does maturity
really
mean? Maturity represents the experience gained throughout the life cycle, the one which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
distinguish
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
from evil, right from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. At an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, it's impossible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have such experience and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it when needed.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to believe that everyone around them is as caring and loving as their family;
therefore
, they are an easy target to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with hazardous intentions, such as pedophiles, kidnappers etc. In order to avoid this kind of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, it's advisable that
especially
at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not take actions without their parents' approval.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
taking their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
stages might result in irreversible consequences later in life.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have peers that smoke, drink alcohol, or even take drugs, might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
curious to try them
as well
, enhancing their chances for regular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
this from their parents, they will cause permanent damages to their health. Considering this options and their potential drawbacks, young children's decision-making without their parents' guidance, is completely unacceptable.

In conclusion
, we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with neither life experience, nor a realistic view of the consequences of their actions, to behave and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions
independently
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
emphasizes their need for parents advise and protection, at least until the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The two charts below compare the populations of France and India in the age distribution and gender in 1984. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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