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the graph below shows the populations in India and China since the year of 2000and predicts populations growth until 2050 v.1

the graph below shows the populations in India and China since the year of 2000and predicts populations growth until 2050 v. 1
A lot of people think children have more idle time. They believe that this should be spent on school work or studies, which is essential. However, I believe children should to be involved in other non academic work such as skill acquisition and sports activities. Firstly, the total well being of a child should be a key factor in raising a complete, all round child. Exposure of children to other areas of life should start from childhood, which I believe will help children choose their career path early in life. At an early age, kids should learn skills such as sewing, coding, cooking and baking. Effective nurturing of these skills can become sources of livelihood for these children later in life. For instance, a quite number of Nigerian graduates practice the skills they got while growing up. They have grown to love and have made sustainable careers out of it because of high unemployment rate in the country. In addition, most children do not have time to go for sport activities. Parents should enrol their kids for different kinds of sports as this helps immensely to develop the mental and health well being of individuals. This should somewhat be made mandatory for obese children as it will allow them to lose weight and become mentally, physically fit and healthier. In conclusion, children should not only be confined to their Academic studies rather there should be a striving atmosphere of total well being of children where activities such as sports and trade acquisition are being taught. .
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more idle time. They believe that this should
be spent
on school work or studies, which is essential.
However
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should to
be involved
in other
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non academic
work such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
acquisition and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities.

Firstly
, the total
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of a child should be a key factor in raising a complete, all round child. Exposure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to other areas of life should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
from childhood, which I believe will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
choose their career path early in life. At an early age, kids should learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as sewing, coding, cooking and baking. Effective nurturing of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
can become sources of livelihood for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
later in life.
For instance
, a
You used an adverb ('quite') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('number') instead of another adjective.
quite number
of Nigerian graduates practice the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
while growing up. They have grown to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and have made sustainable careers out of it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of high unemployment rate in the country.

In addition
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not have time to go for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
activities. Parents should enrol their kids for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
immensely
to develop the mental and health
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of individuals. This should somewhat
be made
mandatory for obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to lose weight and become mentally,
physically
fit and healthier.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be confined
to their Academic studies
rather
there should be a striving atmosphere of total
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
where activities such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and trade acquisition are
being taught
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay the graph below shows the populations in India and China since the year of 2000and predicts populations growth until 2050 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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