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The technology development has affected social relationships from person to person. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

The technology development has affected social relationships from person to person. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Todays, the effects of technology advancements on social relationships have been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although the development of technology is not without disadvantages, the merits will justify these. There are some disadvantages there. First, the availability of communication technologies can potentially fracture humans’ concrete relationships. In fact, many people choose to make friends online rather than mixing with their peer in the real world, which undermines the quality of relationships. Second, by overusing smart devices, people tend to be less confident in daily conversations. For instance, many social network users admit that they prefer sending messages, chatting via messaging apps to having direct meetings, which could weaken their communication skills in the long – term. Under no circumstance should the benefits be marginalized. First, since the proliferation of technology makes social networks flourish, people find it easy to keep in touch. In fact, social media such as Facebook and Skype allows users to connect and have a conservation with each other, which promotes social behaviour and strengthen social relationships without making any physical travels. Second, by actively participating in social media, the users get socialized more than ever. This means that it is easy for them to make friends with the others who match their interests and lifestyle, which helps them expand their circle of friends. In conclusion, the advantage will be far more significant. By balancing the time used for technology, people can take advantage of the technology development without having negative effects on their relationships.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Todays
, the effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
advancements on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
have been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is not without disadvantages, the merits will justify these.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages there.
First
, the availability of communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
can
potentially
fracture humans’ concrete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends online
rather
than mixing with their peer in the real world, which undermines the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
. Second, by overusing smart devices,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to be less confident in daily conversations.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
network users admit that they prefer sending messages, chatting via messaging apps to having direct meetings, which could weaken their communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the long
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
term.

Under no circumstance should the benefits
be marginalized
.
First
, since the proliferation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networks flourish,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find it easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media such as Facebook and Skype
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
users to connect and have a conservation with each other, which promotes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and strengthen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
without making any physical travels. Second, by
actively
participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media, the users
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
socialized more than ever. This means that it is easy for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with the others who match their interests and lifestyle, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them expand their circle of friends.

In conclusion
, the advantage will be far more significant. By balancing the time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can take advantage of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
development without having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The technology development has affected social relationships from person to person. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
8.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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