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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? And what can be done about this problems? v.39

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? And what can be done about this problems? v. 39
Some people argue that lots of workers rarely do exercise in their daily life, and these lifestyles can result in the health issues. This essay will talk about the reason why working people hardly get to do exercise and how to improve the problems. To begin with, there are some possible reasons of spending less or no time for working out. The main reason is that employees need a relaxation more than exercising during the working days. This is because they generally through hard working hours and spend their whole energies on their tasks. So they maybe get tired mentally and physically. Therefore, it is highly-possible that they want to take a rest rather than move their body. Another reason is that there are a number of other activities to enjoy in the free time. In fact, as the recent survey from the Korea Herald reported, over 80% Young generation answered they prefer doing indoor activities such as watching movies or playing computer games. However, this situation above can cause the disease like obesity and heart illness. Therefore people should tackle these health issues from having a governmental and personal level effort. First of all, the governments should provide some places for working out to citizens. To build facilities such as sports centres and encourage people to go there with cheap price will help them to do physical activities. Secondly, people, personally, should have an effort to move their bodies as much as they can, for their health. Stretching their body and walking for short distance will help them reduce the rate of getting illness which results from doing less or no exercise. In conclusion, it seems to me that doing exercise can prevent some disease and keep fit, even though people need to pay particular attention to do it. Therefore, working out should be encouraged among workers for their wellness in the long term.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that lots of workers rarely do exercise in their daily life, and these lifestyles can result in the health issues. This essay will talk about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to do exercise and how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the problems.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
of spending less or no time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
out. The main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that employees need a relaxation more than exercising during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
days. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
generally
through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours and spend their whole energies on their tasks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they maybe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired mentally and
physically
.
Therefore
, it is
highly
-possible that they want to take a rest
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
their body. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that there are a number of other activities to enjoy in the free time. In fact, as the recent survey from the Korea Herald reported, over 80% Young generation answered they prefer doing indoor activities such as watching movies or playing computer games.

However
, this situation above can cause the disease like obesity and heart illness.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should tackle these health issues from having a governmental and personal level effort.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
out to citizens. To build facilities such as sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to go there with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
price will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to do physical activities.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
personally
, should have an effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
their bodies as much as they can, for their health. Stretching their body and walking for short distance will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the rate of getting illness which results from doing less or no exercise.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that doing exercise can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disease and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to pay particular attention to do it.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
out should
be encouraged
among workers for their wellness in the long term.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? And what can be done about this problems? v. 39

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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