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The technology development has affected social relationships from person to person. Do the positive aspects of this trend outweigh the negative aspects? v.3

The technology development has affected social relationships from person to person. Do the positive aspects of this trend outweigh the negative aspects? v. 3
It is argued that the proliferation of automation has had an impact on relationships between people in social life. Personally, the drawbacks are outweighed by the benefits. On the one hand, technology has had adverse influences on interaction between people. Firstly, the availability of new automations can have the result of isolating people and discouraging real interaction. In fact, the users of social networks choose to interact through computers rather than mixing with the public in the real world, which leads to not getting socialized. Secondly, many young people will ignore their family and friends in the real world due to their increasingly virtual relationships. For example, nowadays, many Vietnamese people have spent over 9 or 10 hours on surfing Facebook in order to make new friends as many as possible, which leads such people to having less quality time for building real friendships. On the other hand, it would be better to interact between people by automation if we as humans used them in a right way. Firstly, it is easier for people to expand social circles due to the increase in new communication technology. In fact, when they use social networks such as Facebook, Instagram and Whatsapp, they are more likely to make new friends or find someone who has common interests without face-to-face. Secondly, by interacting through computers, business people can cooperate with people in different countries, which is extremely difficult for direct meetings. For instance, a company can communicate and collaborate with international enterprises located in different nations by emails, phones or video, and these interactions are as good as face-to-face meetings. In conclusion, the presence of cutting-edge communication technologies has changed the way people interact with each other, and beneficial effects of this change outweigh detrimental effects.
It
is argued
that the proliferation of automation has had an impact on relationships between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
life.
Personally
, the drawbacks
are outweighed
by the benefits.

On the one hand, technology has had adverse influences on interaction between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Firstly
, the availability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
automations can have the result of isolating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and discouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
interaction. In fact, the users of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networks choose to interact through computers
rather
than mixing with the public in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
world, which leads to not getting socialized.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their family and friends in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
world due to their
increasingly
virtual relationships.
For example
, nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have spent over 9 or 10 hours on surfing Facebook in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as possible, which leads such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to having less quality time for building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
friendships.

On the other hand
, it would be better to interact between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by automation if we as humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
them
Consider replacing "in a right way" with the adverb for "right"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a right way
.
Firstly
, it is easier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to expand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
circles due to the increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
communication technology. In fact, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networks such as Facebook, Instagram and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Whatsapp
, they are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends or find someone who has common interests without face-to-face.
Secondly
, by interacting through computers, business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can cooperate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries, which is
extremely
difficult for direct meetings.
For instance
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can communicate and collaborate with international enterprises located in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations by emails, phones or video, and these interactions are as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
as face-to-face meetings.

In conclusion
, the presence of cutting-edge communication technologies has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
interact with each other, and beneficial effects of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
outweigh detrimental effects.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The technology development has affected social relationships from person to person. Do the positive aspects of this trend outweigh the negative aspects? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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