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The technological advancement has changed the way people interact with each other. How the technology has affected the way people make and maintain relationship nowadays? Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

The technological advancement has changed the way people interact with each other. How the technology has affected the way people make and maintain relationship nowadays? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
In recent years, it is undeniable that technology has an integral part to play in our life but besides plenty of benefits that it has brought, there are many drawbacks as well, one of them is about how people have recently treated each other. In my opinion, the influences of technology on relationships are quite strong and the development of technology has become unfortunately negative. First of all, technology makes people change on only one side, for instance, on the Internet, perhaps he is very sociable and friendly but when it comes to real life, he is not the person whom he is used to be. Besides, one reason that explains this consequence is his shyness, because, on the Internet, he could be anyone whom he wants to be. Secondly, still a matter of Internet, people might too care about the relationships on their social network accounts forget who they should actually pay attention to, their family, their real friends. For example, a person who has many friends on Facebook is likely to worry about the comments and number of likes that he has. Last but not least, technology also makes friends’ or family’s relationships less appreciative. Because nowadays, whenever young people, especially teenagers, go out for dinner or just normally hang out, they bring their smartphones which are very convenient and have many interesting apps while they are with their friends or family, they usually focus mainly on their smart devices, so no one speaks to each other. In conclusion, from my perspective, technology does have a lot of advantages but in recent decades, it has become a quite negative development and had particular bad effects on people’s relationships.
In recent years, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has an integral part to play in our life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
besides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of benefits that it has brought, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks
as well
, one of them is about how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have recently treated each other.

In my opinion, the influences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
are quite strong and the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has become unfortunately
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one side,
for instance
, on the Internet, perhaps he is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
sociable and friendly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to real life, he is not the person whom he is
In the grammatical structure 'pronoun + be/get + used + to + verb', the verb 'used' is used with the gerund: "used to being".
used to be
.
Besides
, one reason that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
this consequence is his shyness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, on the Internet, he could be anyone whom he wants to be.

Secondly
,
still
a matter of Internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might
Did you mean "to care"?
too care
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
on their social network accounts forget who they should actually pay attention to, their family, their real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
For example
, a person who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
on Facebook is likely to worry about the comments and number of likes that he has.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends’
or family’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
less appreciative.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
nowadays, whenever young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, go out for dinner or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
normally
hang out, they bring their smartphones which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
convenient and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
interesting apps while they are with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
or family, they
usually
focus
mainly
on their smart devices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
no one speaks to each other.

In conclusion
, from my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
does have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in recent decades, it has become a quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development and had particular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay The technological advancement has changed the way people interact with each other. How the technology has affected the way people make and maintain relationship nowadays? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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