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The Table shows the precentage of journeys mad by different forms of transports in four countries. The bar graphs show the results of a survey into car use. v.1

The Table shows the precentage of journeys mad by different forms of transports in four countries. The bar graphs show the results of a survey into car use. v. 1
The past 50 years have seen a tremendous amount of growth in the technological industry. To be on par with the latest inventions, a large amount of the population buys brand new phones and laptops. Nevertheless, this is a destructive trend as it results in money wastage and spoiling of children. First of all, it is an indisputable fact that phones and laptops are expensive to buy nowadays and a major part of the population cannot afford it, but keeping up with the latest technology has become a trend to enhance their social status, especially among the youth. For instance, Apple products often instills a sense of opulence in the population who owns them as they are expensive to buy. Flaunting their over-priced new phones or laptops on social media has become a trend and many obsessed people buy their products, even when they do not require it, just for the sole purpose of bragging. Secondly, by looking at the promotion of these costly devices, children force their parents to buy them these products. Furthermore, since the technology is growing rapidly, new products are released every year and promoted widely, hence, children discard their old phones or laptops and badger their parents to buy them the latest products. As a result, children become spoiled with no regards for hard earned money or care for their old tech. In conclusion, keeping up with the latest technology might seem enticing at first, but is a negative development as it wastes precious money of the people on materialistic things and also strips children of respectful and caring nature.
The past 50 years have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a tremendous amount of growth in the technological industry. To be on par with the latest inventions, a large amount of the population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buys
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
.
Nevertheless
, this is a destructive trend as it results in money wastage and spoiling of children.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an indisputable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
are expensive to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
nowadays and a major part of the population cannot afford it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
keeping up with the latest technology has become a trend to enhance their social status,
especially
among the youth.
For instance
, Apple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
instills a sense of opulence in the population who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
them as they are expensive to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
. Flaunting their over-priced new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
on social media has become a trend and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
obsessed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, even when they do not require it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the sole purpose of bragging.

Secondly
, by looking at the promotion of these costly devices,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
force their parents to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
them these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
Furthermore
, since the technology is growing
rapidly
, new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are released
every year and promoted
widely
,
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
discard their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
and badger their parents to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
them the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become spoiled with no regards for
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
hard earned
money or care for their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
tech.

In conclusion
, keeping up with the latest technology might seem enticing at
first
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development as it wastes precious money of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on materialistic things and
also
strips
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of respectful and caring nature.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay The Table shows the precentage of journeys mad by different forms of transports in four countries. The bar graphs show the results of a survey into car use. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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