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The table illustrates how much money donated to support technology, by the US, EU, and other countries charities, in billions of US dollars between 2006 and 2010. v.1

The table illustrates how much money donated to support technology, by the US, EU, and other countries charities, in billions of US dollars between 2006 and 2010. v. 1
Broadcast television is experiencing a biased trend where women's sports have disproportionately less screen time than their men's counterparts. I believe this trend takes root in the concept of assigned roles on the basis of gender, and it should change as a means to promote gender equality. Sports have been a male domain for as long as humans first invented them since they symbolize masculinity. As most sports require muscular strength from participants, the belief that men are inherently better at sports, and therefore more worth watching than women started to instill in the minds of the masses. As opposed to men, women are discouraged to play sports in pursuit of other, more specifically, feminine interests such as beautification or embracing their expected maternal duties. As a result, men are predominant and far more highly regarded compared to women in the field, which essentially makes men's sports more appealing in the public eyes, and television producers for that matter. However, I strongly believe that women's sports should have the same amount of attention and have channels televised for the same amount of time as men's sports. That is the right step needed to address gender equality and gradually gain balance to both sexes in every aspect of life. Even though women are indeed inferior to men with respect to physical abilities, by no means should female athletes receive less than the appraising efforts they put in. Credit must be given as a reward for dedication and sportsmanship, thus inspiring others to achieve an even greater level of greatness in their careers. In conclusion, women's sports are being disgraced by television channels as they do not focus on them as much as men's. This discouragement should stop to promote gender equality as far as sports are concerned.
Broadcast television is experiencing a biased trend where women's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have
disproportionately
less screen time than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men's
counterparts. I believe this trend takes root in the concept of assigned roles on the basis of gender, and it should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
as a means to promote gender equality.

Sports have been a male domain for as long as humans
first
invented them since they symbolize masculinity. As most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
require muscular strength from participants, the belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
inherently
better at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, and
therefore
more worth watching than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to instill in the minds of the masses. As opposed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are discouraged
to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in pursuit of other, more
specifically
, feminine interests such as beautification or embracing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
maternal duties.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
As
a result,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are predominant and far more
highly
regarded compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in the field, which
essentially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
more appealing in the public eyes, and television producers for that matter.

However
, I
strongly
believe that women's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should have the same amount of attention and have channels televised for the same amount of time as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
That is
the right step needed to address gender equality and
gradually
gain balance to both sexes in every aspect of life.
Even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
indeed
inferior to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
with respect to physical abilities, by no means should female athletes receive less than the appraising efforts they put in. Credit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
as a reward for dedication and sportsmanship,
thus
inspiring others to achieve an even greater level of greatness in their careers.

In conclusion
, women's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
being disgraced
by television channels as they do not focus on them as much as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men's
. This discouragement should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
to promote gender equality as far as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are concerned
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The table illustrates how much money donated to support technology, by the US, EU, and other countries charities, in billions of US dollars between 2006 and 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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