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the table described the changed of people who went for international travel in 1990, 2000 and 2005. v.1

the table described the changed of people who went for international travel in 1990, 2000 and 2005. v. 1
It is observed that many people around the globe are starving, despite the developments in the cultivation sector. The main reason for this is the income disparity and a possible solution would be the taxing of high income earners and promoting food supply programmes. To begin with, it is apparent that, the modern technological advancements in agriculture have brought a dramatic increment in the global food supply. In spite of this, people in many developing countries still struggle for daily meals because of the inequality in wealth distribution, which makes poor people poorer. As a result, increased food supply is channeled towards the rich people, leaving financially unfortunates with no meals or no money to buy them. To illustrate, Ghana achieved a remarkable progress in farming practices in the recent past, which improved the food supply to a greater extent. However, the income disparity in Ghana is high, as a consequence, 38% of citizens are still suffering from starvation. Further, to tackle this issue, governments ought to impose higher taxes on wealthy people. Hence, more money would be available to fund programmes, which focus on supplying meals to poor people. As a result, more food would be available to the needy people, and it will contribute positively to the economy of the country as well. For instance, in 2017, the income tax rate of Vietnam was doubled, and the tax money was transferred to a programme on eliminating malnutrition. This helped to bring down the proportion of malnutrition children by 2% in the preceding year. To conclude, income disparity in many developing countries makes more hungry people, although, the global food supply is improved due to technological improvements. I believe, this can be solved through imposing high taxes on excess wealth.
It
is observed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the globe are starving, despite the developments in the cultivation sector. The main reason for this is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
disparity and a possible solution would be the taxing of high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
earners and promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supply
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is apparent that, the modern technological advancements in agriculture have brought a dramatic increment in the global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supply
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
still
struggle for daily meals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the inequality in wealth distribution, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
poorer.
As a result
, increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supply
is channeled
towards the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, leaving
financially
unfortunates with no meals or no money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
them. To illustrate, Ghana achieved
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "remarkable progress".
a remarkable progress
in farming practices in the recent past, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supply
to a greater extent.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
disparity in Ghana is high, as a consequence, 38% of citizens are
still
suffering from starvation.

Further
, to tackle this issue,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
ought to impose higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
on wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Hence
, more money would be available to fund
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, which focus on supplying meals to poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
would be available to the needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and it will contribute
positively
to the economy of the country
as well
.
For instance
, in 2017, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
rate of Vietnam
was doubled
, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
money
was transferred
to a
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
on eliminating malnutrition. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to bring down the proportion of malnutrition children by 2% in the preceding year.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
disparity in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
more hungry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, although, the global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supply
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
due to technological improvements. I believe, this can
be solved
through imposing high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
on excess wealth.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay the table described the changed of people who went for international travel in 1990, 2000 and 2005. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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