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People who lead groups should talk about their own ides while other listen, or they should listen to people in the group's ideas instead of talking? v.1

People who lead groups should talk about their own ides while other listen, or they should listen to people in the group's ideas instead of talking? v. 1
It is often argued that the government should finance public services instead of spending its budget on arts, music and theatre. Although I agree that government’s investments in public services play a very important role, I think that proper funding of the arts sector is also crucial for the society. On the one hand, the authorities should definitely allocate a large part of its budget on public services. This economic sector determines the overall quality of life, ensuring that some basic services, like schools, hospitals and roads, are available to all citizens irrespective of their income or social status. Public services satisfy the primary needs of the society and thus need a proper funding, while artists and musicians are not curing diseases or building houses, so their role is secondary. For example, any country can live without music concerts, but absence of medicine will create significant problems. That’s why the concerned department should adequately finance public services in the first place. On the other hand, arts, music and theatre are not a waste of money, since they are an integral part of the society’s cultural and intellectual development and amusement. Firstly, art and music draw people’s attention to diverse phenomena and represent the inward significance of things. Quite often a single drawing, piece or song can exhort myriads of people to reconsider their attitude towards some situation. This way, art serves as a major source of nation’s personal and intellectual development. Moreover, visiting museums, watching movies and listening to music are common ways of relaxation and entertainment. Thus, art sector is also important for the society and should not be neglected. To conclude, though I agree that the administration should allocate a large part of its budget on such urgent needs of the society like public services, I think that arts, music and theatre should also be financed since they play an important role in people’s development and entertainment.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should finance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
instead
of spending its budget on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s investments in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that proper funding of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
sector is
also
crucial for the society.

On the one hand, the authorities should definitely allocate a large part of its budget on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. This economic sector determines the
overall
quality of life, ensuring that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
, like schools, hospitals and roads, are available to all citizens irrespective of their income or social status.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
satisfy the primary needs of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and
thus
need a proper funding, while artists and musicians are not curing diseases or building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their role is secondary.
For example
, any country can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
concerts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
absence of medicine will create significant problems. That’s why the concerned department should
adequately
finance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
in the
first
place.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
are not a waste of money, since they are an integral part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society’s
cultural and intellectual development and amusement.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
draw
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s attention to diverse phenomena and represent the inward significance of things. Quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
a single drawing, piece or song can exhort myriads of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to reconsider their attitude towards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
situation. This way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
serves as a major source of nation’s personal and intellectual development.
Moreover
, visiting museums, watching movies and listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are common ways of relaxation and entertainment.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
sector is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and should not
be neglected
.

To conclude
, though I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the administration should allocate a large part of its budget on such urgent needs of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
should
also
be financed
since they play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s development and entertainment.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People who lead groups should talk about their own ides while other listen, or they should listen to people in the group's ideas instead of talking? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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