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The table below shows show the number of cars made in Argentina, Australia and Thailand from 2003 to 2009. v.1

The table below shows show the number of cars made in Argentina, Australia and Thailand from 2003 to 2009. v. 1
It is important to create an equal development across the globe. It is debatable whether developing poor countries become their authority or others. To my perspective, opulent nations should partake to solve poorer nation problems’ because they have more resource to deal with the challenge. First of all, Rich countries have more funds to assist poor nation programs' in building infrastructure, reducing poverty and improving the quality of human resources. For example, Australian Government gives scholarship to Indonesian Citizens. By studying abroad, people from developing countries will get more knowledge and build their networking. So that, after finishing their study, they go back to their country and apply what they have learnt. Additionally, building infrastructure is essential to open isolate areas so local inhabitants have a chance to go somewhere and do economic activities. Regarding with this, poorer nations do not have enough budget. Therefore, money grant from wealthy countries become a good way to deal with the problems. On the other hand, because of the assistance, this sometimes makes the poorer less independent. They do not think to manage their local resource properly and only consider about the grant. I For example, instead of managing their local tourism place, local people prefer for asking help from other stakeholder to manage it. To sum up, I believe that it would be great for developed countries to help poor countries in dealing with crucial problems such as poverty and education. This means the responsibility becomes both countries. Government, the private sector and societies should be aware to solve the issue together.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to create an equal development across the globe. It is debatable whether developing poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
become their authority or others. To my perspective, opulent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should partake to solve poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
problems’
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have more resource to deal with the challenge.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, Rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have more funds to assist poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
programs' in building infrastructure, reducing poverty and improving the quality of human resources.
For example
, Australian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
gives scholarship to Indonesian Citizens. By studying abroad,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more knowledge and build their networking.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, after finishing their study, they go back to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and apply what they have
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
.
Additionally
, building infrastructure is essential to open isolate areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
inhabitants have a chance to go somewhere and do economic activities. Regarding with this, poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
budget.
Therefore
, money grant from wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to deal with the problems.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the assistance, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the poorer less independent. They do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
resource
properly
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Did you mean simply "consider the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
consider about the
grant. I
For example
,
instead
of managing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
tourism place,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer for asking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from other stakeholder to manage it.

To sum up, I believe that it would be great for developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in dealing with crucial problems such as poverty and education. This means the responsibility becomes both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
, the private sector and societies should be aware to solve the issue together.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay The table below shows show the number of cars made in Argentina, Australia and Thailand from 2003 to 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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