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The bar chars show the number of cars per thousand people in 5 different countries in Europe in 2005, 2009 and 2010 in comparison with the average number. v.1

The bar chars show the number of cars per thousand people in 5 different countries in Europe in 2005, 2009 and 2010 in comparison with the average number. v. 1
Nowadays playing games on portable devices are very popular because of their convenience and easy access. This could bring benefits and drawbacks, but in my opinion, the benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks. To begin with, spending too much time on these games brings some health risks for example, it could affect on eyes result in poor visibility also when people waste a huge amount of time on video games, they do less physical activity so the lake of exercise over long time makes them vulnerable to diseases such as obesity, causing deteriorating health condition and burdening the country’s health care system. These games are very addictive and players must play daily to progress through the levels achieve targets and get a higher score than their competitors so people tend to play these games, isolate themselves from their family and friends which has a devastating effect on real-life relationships. The lake of face to face communication also has harmful effects on social skills development of children that really threatens their success in society. There are also some advantages. From an educational perspective, playing puzzle games could encourage creativity and promote concentration and problem solving ability also provide determination and focus to achieve the particular level. There is someone who believes that these games serve as excellent relaxing-tools and allow people to relax whenever they want, for example, during break time or after a long day's work. In conclusion, it seems to me that the potential dangers of electronic games are more significant than the possible benefits.
Nowadays playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on portable devices are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their convenience and easy access. This could bring benefits and drawbacks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion, the benefits
are outweighed
by the drawbacks.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
for example
, it could
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on eyes result in poor visibility
also
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
waste a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they do less physical activity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the lake of exercise over long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them vulnerable to diseases such as obesity, causing deteriorating health condition and burdening the country’s health care system.

These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
addictive and players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
play daily to progress through the levels achieve targets and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a higher score than their competitors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to play these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, isolate themselves from their family and friends which has a devastating effect on real-life relationships. The lake of face to face communication
also
has harmful effects on social
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "skills'" or "skill's"?
skills
development of children that
really
threatens their success in society.

There are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages. From an educational perspective, playing puzzle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
could encourage creativity and promote concentration and problem solving ability
also
provide determination and focus to achieve the particular level. There is someone who believes that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
serve as excellent relaxing-tools and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to relax whenever they want,
for example
, during break
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or after a long day's work.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that the potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are more significant than the possible benefits.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chars show the number of cars per thousand people in 5 different countries in Europe in 2005, 2009 and 2010 in comparison with the average number. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
256 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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