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The table below shows a survey on the preference of different age groups in a European country on different TV programmes in 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The table below shows a survey on the preference of different age groups in a European country on different TV programmes in 2012.
There are some controversial ideas about that whether making decisions about matters are important for children or not. Although some people believe that children should be taught to make their own decisions, other people think that it can cause that it is possible to be selfish by thinking about their own wishes. I will discuss the two views and I will agree with that making decisions should be allowed to children for the following reasons. To begin with, I think that children should learn how they make a good decision every day because they don’t know enough their preference. There are some reports suggesting that when children think about their opinions, they can be more independent and they can have their own individualities. Therefore, it is one of the most vital developments for children. Hence, I’ve asserted that children should have more opportunities to build their own ideas in many situations. On the other hand, it is true that there are some problems in allowing children to make their own decisions. For example, there are some interesting comparisons of the education in the western and the oriental countries. Children growing in western countries tend to behave individually l and sometimes they are more selfish than children in oriental countries. In addition, they are used to thinking about that a individual life is more important that a society and work. Therefore, it can lead to some social issues. In conclusion, if children have chances making their own decisions many times, while some people think that it can make them selfish and they can have social problems. I have firmly argued that it is the most important progress in development and they can be more independent rather than selfish.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
controversial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
about that whether making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
about matters are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or not. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that it can cause that it is possible to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selfish
by thinking about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
wishes. I will discuss the two views and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for the following reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn how they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
every day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they don’t know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
their preference. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reports suggesting that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about their opinions, they can be more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
independent and
they can have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake found.
individualities
.
Therefore
, it is one of the most vital developments for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Hence
, I’ve asserted that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have more opportunities to build their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
situations.

On the other hand
, it is true that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems in allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
interesting comparisons of the education in the western and the oriental countries.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
growing in western countries tend to behave
individually
l and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selfish
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in oriental countries.
In addition
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to thinking about that
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
individual life is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that a society and work.
Therefore
, it can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social issues.

In conclusion
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have chances making their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
selfish and
they can have social problems. I have
firmly
argued that it is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
progress in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
development and
they can be more independent
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selfish
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The table below shows a survey on the preference of different age groups in a European country on different TV programmes in 2012.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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