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In many public places, the use of secret video cameras is being increased with the aim to reduce crime, but some people believe that this restricts individual freedom. Do the benefits of increased video secret security outweigh the drawbacks? v.1

In many public places, the use of secret video cameras is being increased with the aim to reduce crime, but some people believe that this restricts individual freedom. Do the benefits of increased video secret security outweigh the drawbacks? v. 1
In technical programs, such as, computers and science, the number of male students is much more than female. I completely agree that colleges should have the same amount of both genders. Firstly, there are not as many women engineers as men. This is mainly because girls in our society are generally considered weak, hence only a few of them complete high school. For instance, their literacy rate in India is as low as 20% and the number of women completing university level education is 35%. Additionally, if universities enforce strict rules to admit the equal amount of both, this figure will change drastically. Secondly, women's equality is a major problem. Although the government is taking initiatives, still people think this world should be dominated by men. For example, domestic violence and deliberate killing of a newborn girl child is a pressing issue. If there are the same number of educated males and females, this problem can be curbed. Furthermore, an educated person will teach their children the same principles. This will not only help us, but in our future generations too. To conclude, unless colleges make conscious efforts, this problem will only escalate. It should be our responsibility, to teach our children the importance of education.
In technical programs, such as, computers and science, the number of male students is much more than female. I completely
agree
that colleges should have the same amount of both genders.

Firstly
, there are not as
many
women engineers as
men
. This is
mainly
because
girls in our society are
generally
considered weak,
hence
only
a few of them complete high school.
For instance
, their literacy rate in India is as low as 20% and the number of women completing university level education is 35%.
Additionally
, if universities enforce strict
rules
to admit the equal amount of both, this figure will
change
drastically
.

Secondly
, women's equality is a major problem. Although the
government
is taking initiatives,
still
people
think
this world should
be dominated
by
men
.
For example
, domestic violence and deliberate killing of a newborn girl child is a pressing issue. If there are the same number of educated males and females, this problem can
be curbed
.
Furthermore
, an educated person will teach their children the same principles. This will not
only
help
us,
but
in our future generations too.

To conclude
, unless colleges
make
conscious efforts, this problem will
only
escalate. It should be our responsibility, to teach our children the importance of education.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many public places, the use of secret video cameras is being increased with the aim to reduce crime, but some people believe that this restricts individual freedom. Do the benefits of increased video secret security outweigh the drawbacks? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
206 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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