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The spread of multinational companies and increase in spread of globalization have positive effects for everyone. Do you agree or disagree. v.1

The spread of multinational companies and increase in spread of globalization have positive effects for everyone. v. 1
It is often thought that a lot of mothers and fathers are spending a huge amount of wealth on their children's toys. In the next paragraphs, I will discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of this issue. First of all, it will increase the happiness of the youngsters. The reason for this is that they will receive a large variety of playful things, which can amuse them for a long period of time. In other words, those counterparts are able to have a joyful childhood. For example, a large number of friends will come over to play with the games as well. Furthermore, this can increase their socialise with other people as well. So, this can be really favourable for the kids. On the other hand, it is a waste of money. This is because they do not need all those plastic objects to spend their time and make progress in their knowledge. However, sometimes is alright but not too much. For example, our grandparents were using their fantasy to entertain themselves in the past. On top of that, they still experienced a cheerful life with pleasant memories. All in all, providing money on unnecessary things is a waste of earnings. To conclude, a lot of parents are buying their children a massive amount of toys. However, it can make an upward trend in the cheerfulness of our sons and daughters. Although, it is not required to spend a lot to give them a great infancy. In other words, it can be provided in different ways.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
mothers and fathers are spending a huge amount of wealth on their children's toys. In the
next
paragraphs, I will discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of this issue.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it will increase the happiness of the youngsters.
The reason for this is
that they will receive a large variety of playful things, which can amuse them for a long period of time. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, those counterparts are able to have a joyful childhood.
For example
,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
friends will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
over to play with the games
as well
.
Furthermore
, this can increase their
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as well
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this can be
really
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
for the kids.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is a waste of money. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not need all those plastic objects to spend their time and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
progress in their knowledge.
However
,
The adverb 'sometimes' usually goes after the verb 'is'.
sometimes is
alright
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not too much.
For example
, our grandparents were using their fantasy to entertain themselves in the past.
On top of that
, they
still
experienced a cheerful life with pleasant memories. All in all, providing money on unnecessary things is a waste of earnings.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
parents are buying their children a massive amount of toys.
However
, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an upward trend in the cheerfulness of our sons and daughters.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, it is not required to spend a lot to give them a great infancy. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, it can
be provided
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay The spread of multinational companies and increase in spread of globalization have positive effects for everyone. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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