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The society would benefit from a ban on all forms of advertising. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

The society would benefit from a ban on all forms of advertising. with this opinion? v. 1
For the past few decades, the amount of crimes happening in the various countries has increased. This essay will examine the reason for it and will also explain different measures that can be taken to minimize it. There are basically two most powerful reasons for the increase in the crime rate. Firstly, most of the countries do not have strict rules for the people who are breaking the law, so if the culprit already knew that after committing such a serious crime nothing will happen to him, he will do it again. For instance, in most of the developing countries, the crime rate is higher because of this reason only. Furthermore, nowadays, both the parents are extremely busy and do not even have a time to see what their children are doing or which friends circle they are mingling with. At this tender age where they cannot discriminate what is good or bad for them, they fall into a trap and follow the path which leads them to darkness. Although the crime is increasing, it doesn't mean that it can't be controlled. There are few things which the government can implement which will definitely bring down the crime ratio. To begin with, the motto should be "severe the crime, severe the punishment", this will develop a fear in the mind of the criminals and they will think thrice before committing any crime. For example, if someone wants to murder somebody, he will think it again as he will have a fear of loosing his own life. Moreover, parents should spend more time with the youngsters, guiding them for the better future. To conclude, there are several reasons for the rise in the crime rate, which includes parents busyness and not severe punishments for the offenders, but the proper implementation of punishments discourages them to proceed with the crime.
For the past few decades, the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
happening in the various countries has increased. This essay will examine the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for it and will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
measures that can
be taken
to minimize it.

There are
basically
two most powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for the increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate.
Firstly
, most of the countries do not have strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are breaking the law,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if the culprit already knew that after committing such a serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
nothing will happen to him, he will do it again.
For instance
, in most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate is higher
because of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
Furthermore
, nowadays, both the parents are
extremely
busy and do not even have a time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
what their children are doing or which friends circle they are mingling with. At this tender age where they cannot discriminate what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for them, they fall into a trap and follow the path which leads them to darkness.

Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is increasing, it doesn't mean that it can't
be controlled
. There are few things which the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can implement which will definitely bring down the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
ratio. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the motto should be
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
severe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, severe the punishment
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, this will develop a fear in the mind of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
criminals and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
thrice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
committing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
For example
, if someone wants to murder somebody, he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it again as he will have a fear of loosing his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life.
Moreover
, parents should spend more time with the youngsters, guiding them for the better future.

To conclude
, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for the rise in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate, which includes parents busyness and not severe punishments for the offenders,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the proper implementation of punishments discourages them to proceed with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The society would benefit from a ban on all forms of advertising. with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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