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The bar chart below shows information about water use worldwide (Km3) from three different sectors between 1910 and 2010. v.1

The bar chart below shows information about water use worldwide (Km3) from three different sectors between 1910 and 2010. v. 1
It is argued that young people graduate from high school without the method for how to manage their personal money management. There are several reasons for this problem and various measures can be taken by the education and family to improve the situation. Firstly, education institutes have the most powerful influence on children' development, but in nowadays, most of all schools do not learn young students how to personal money management. In addition, most students do not need to work to earn money; thus, school boards focus on science subject or social studies. Second, many children rely on allowance from their parents; therefore, they do not understand about the realities of earning and saving money. For instance, young children usually receive amounts of pocket-money from their parent without realizing that how to earn that money; this will be a negative impact on children the way how to spend money in the future. The way to solve this problem is that education should equip their students with the knowledge and skills to manage their personal finances. For example, schools need to give basic money management lessons as a compulsory subject for students. Another solution, parents play a vital role in teaching their children how to spend money. To illustrate, parents give their children an amount of money, when they travel; therefore, young people have to manage their personal budget. Obviously, this solution helps young children to become more financially dependent, and they can avoid over spending money. Furthermore, young people are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life. In conclusion, although personal money management is a problem for a great deal of school leavers, there are also some the measures can solve this problem
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
graduate from high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
without the method for how to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
. There are several reasons for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and various measures can
be taken
by the education and family to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the situation.

Firstly
, education institutes have the most powerful influence on children' development,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nowadays is used without 'in'. Use simply: "nowadays".
in nowadays
, most of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do not learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
.
In addition
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do not need to work to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
;
thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
boards focus on science subject or social studies. Second,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rely on allowance from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
;
therefore
, they do not understand about the realities of earning and saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
usually
receive amounts of pocket-money from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
without realizing that how to earn that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
; this will be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the way how to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in the future.

The way to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that education should equip their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with the knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
finances.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
need to give basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
lessons as a compulsory subject for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Another solution,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a vital role in teaching their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
an amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, when they travel;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
budget.
Obviously
, this solution
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become more
financially
dependent, and they can avoid over spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are better prepared to deal with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of adult life.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
for a great deal of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leavers
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
the measures can solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows information about water use worldwide (Km3) from three different sectors between 1910 and 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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