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The school in your hometown is going to provide students after-class activities. What is your suggestion? v.1

The school in your hometown is going to provide students after-class activities. What is your suggestion? v. 1
The world has seen many wars, from the world war one and to the Russian missile crisis. Both men and females have equally suffered from the horrors of these wars. Some believe that women should not have any restrictions to be employed by the tri-forces. I completely agree with this argument, as I believe both genders should contribute to the betterment of the future and also, women have an essential natural ability. Everyone must be given a chance to sustain world peace. It would be a waste of resources if women were left out from any defence positions, as they can also contribute to an organisation and be equivalent to men. For example, we have seen many female pilots on commercial airlines when we travel. Therefore, a female air force pilot also carries attributes that men have and live up to a task just as well as a male fighter pilot. On the other hand, critics who argue that only men should be given ranks within the defence industry say that, men have more physical strength and more masculine attributes in the front lines. While, I agree with this argument I also think that feminine attributes are also required within the industry. For instance, currently throughout the world, more and more of female healthcare professionals such as doctors or nurses are being employed each year. Even though, there is no scientific reason or a logical explanation to this, many believe that females have a born natural healing power that men do not carry. Hence, it is imperative that women are given the opportunity to heal injured soldiers. In conclusion, it would be wasteful if one gender is left out therefore, both men and women must be given the equal opportunities in the defence forces. In addition, females are born with healing powers that men do not carry.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wars, from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
war one and to the Russian missile crisis. Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
have
equally
suffered from the horrors of these wars.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should not have any restrictions to
be employed
by the
Possible spelling mistake found.
tri-forces
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this argument, as I believe both genders should contribute to the betterment of the future and
also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have an essential natural ability.

Everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a chance to sustain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace. It would be a waste of resources if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
out from any
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
positions, as they can
also
contribute to an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
and be equivalent to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
For example
, we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
pilots on commercial airlines when we travel.
Therefore
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
air force pilot
also
carries attributes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
up to a task
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as well
as a male fighter pilot.

On the other hand
, critics who argue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
ranks within the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
industry say that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have more physical strength and more masculine attributes in the front lines.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this argument I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that feminine attributes are
also
required within the industry.
For instance
,
currently
throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, more and more of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
healthcare professionals such as doctors or nurses are
being employed
each year.
Even though
, there is no scientific reason or a logical explanation to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
have a born natural healing power that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
do not carry.
Hence
, it is imperative that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to heal injured soldiers.

In conclusion
, it would be wasteful if one gender is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
out
therefore
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the equal opportunities in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
forces.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are born
with healing powers that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
do not carry.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The school in your hometown is going to provide students after-class activities. What is your suggestion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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