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The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut arts and music out of that curriculum so that children can focus on the useful subjects such as information technology. To what extent do you agree? v.3

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut arts and music out of that curriculum so that children can focus on the useful subjects such as information technology. v. 3
There is no doubt these days that one of the fundamental roles of school is to develop children for the modern (present day) world. The question is, should the education system focus on the useful subjects and ignore others such as arts and music? In this essay, I’m going to discuss whether is it essential to incorporate both music and arts into the education system in schools or not and I will try to draw a reasonable conclusion. On one hand, some people believe that the school curriculum should be relied on the academical and practical subjects such as science, information technology, mathematics, and history, rather it focusses in other non-useful areas including arts and music. The reason support this given claim is that not all students show the same interest in music and arts. To illustrate further, both music and arts could be learned outside the school in private institutions, which are specialized in these two areas. Therefore, the school is the only place to teach academic and practical subjects. On the other hand, others believe that arts and music should be incorporated into school syllabus. This is because the school should introduce these two areas to their students, therefore, they can realize whether they have an interest in one of them or not. Furthermore, music can increase the students' intelligence. For example, some research shows that a person who plays musical instrument well has better opportunity to master academic subjects quickly because tones that they produce in the music can stimulate their creativity, imagination and comprehension. On conclusion, although some people agree that the school system should be focused on practical subjects and remove others like music and arts, I totally agree that both arts and music are equally important as information technology, hence, they should be introduced in the school syllabus especially in the elementary school.
There is no doubt these days that one of the fundamental roles of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is to develop children for the modern (present day) world. The question is, should the education system focus on the useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
others such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
? In this essay, I’m going to discuss whether is it essential to incorporate both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
into the education system in
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schools
or not and I will try to draw a reasonable conclusion.

On one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
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school
curriculum should
be relied
on the academical and practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as science, information technology, mathematics, and history,
rather
it
Possible spelling mistake. 'focusses' is British English.
focusses
in
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other
non-useful areas including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. The reason support this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
claim is that not all students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the same interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. To illustrate
further
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
could
be learned
outside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in private institutions, which
are specialized
in these two areas.
Therefore
, the
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school
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
place to teach academic and practical subjects.

On the
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other
hand, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be incorporated
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
syllabus. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should introduce these two areas to their students,
therefore
, they can realize whether they have an interest in one of them or not.
Furthermore
,
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music
can increase the students' intelligence.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that a person who plays musical instrument well has better opportunity to master academic
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subjects
quickly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
tones that they produce in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can stimulate their creativity, imagination and comprehension.

On conclusion, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
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school
system should
be focused
on practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and remove others like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as information technology,
hence
, they should
be introduced
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
syllabus
especially
in the elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut arts and music out of that curriculum so that children can focus on the useful subjects such as information technology. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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