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Some people think that in the countries with high rate of unemployment, there is no need for the government to offer secondary education to primary school pupils who have no hope of finding a job in the future v.2

Some people think that in the countries with high rate of unemployment, there is no need for the government to offer secondary education to primary school pupils who have no hope of finding a job in the future v. 2
With increasing unemployment rates, some people believe that governments should not offer secondary education to primary school students who have no hope of finding a job in the future. I completely disagree with this belief because offering secondary school education is crucial for making young minds a part of the economy’s skilled labor. On the one hand, secondary education builds several soft skills that are not introduced in primary education, making every student ready for his future life and career. For example, all high school students need to work on group assignments as well as presentations for which they need to work alongside others, coordinate ideas and manage the team, giving them insights to team spirit, communication and collaboration. With these skills, young students who might have been thought to be unemployable in primary school have better chances of getting employed as they are deemed as skilled workforce of the economy. Alternatively, some students may be disabled and may be thought as being unemployable, and secondary education gives them the opportunity to explore technical subjects and aspects that may in fact allow them have successful future careers. Recent research has shown that for many autistic students, secondary education plays a vital role in introducing them to new concepts, developing their cognitive skills and building their imagination. For instance, Bill Gates, one of the most celebrated personalities, was on the autistic spectrum and was thought to face difficulties in the future fob market, but staying in school helped him explore science, mathematics and computers and finally become a globally acclaimed success. In conclusion, I wholly disagree with the view that there is now requirement for the government to provide secondary education to primary school students who do not have good prospects of finding a job in the future as secondary education is pivotal for transforming all students into skilled workers and exposing them to distinct subjects giving them more employment opportunities.
With increasing unemployment rates,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should not offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have no hope of finding a job in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. I completely disagree with this belief
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is crucial for making young minds a part of the economy’s skilled labor.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
builds several soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that are not introduced in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, making every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
ready for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
life and career.
For example
, all high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need to work on group assignments
as well
as presentations for which they need to work alongside others, coordinate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and manage the team, giving them insights to team spirit, communication and collaboration. With these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who might have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to be unemployable in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
have better chances of getting employed as they
are deemed
as skilled workforce of the economy.

Alternatively
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may
be disabled
and may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
as being unemployable, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
gives them the opportunity to explore technical subjects and aspects that may in fact
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them
Please check whether 'to' is missing here (to allow to do something).
have
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
careers. Recent research has shown that for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
autistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
plays a vital role in introducing them to new concepts, developing their cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and building their imagination.
For instance
, Bill Gates, one of the most celebrated personalities, was on the autistic spectrum and was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to face difficulties in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
fob market,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
him explore science, mathematics and computers and
finally
become a globally acclaimed success.

In conclusion
, I wholly disagree with the view that there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
requirement for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who do not have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
prospects of finding a job in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is pivotal for transforming all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
into skilled workers and exposing them to distinct subjects giving them more employment opportunities.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that in the countries with high rate of unemployment, there is no need for the government to offer secondary education to primary school pupils who have no hope of finding a job in the future v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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