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The proportion of money spent on various household expenses in Malaysia and Japan is shown in the pie chart v.1

The proportion of money spent on various household expenses in Malaysia and Japan is shown in the pie chart v. 1
Recently, the number of people who purchase various products and services online is increasing more than ever before. There is no denying the fact that online shopping has become more popular than in-store shopping. This trend has both positive and negative impacts on customers and suppliers as well. On the first side, online shopping is indeed convenient. Customers do not need to go outside to shop, and they can purchase anything directly within a few clicks from the comfort of their houses. Furthermore, online shopping allows people to select from a wide range of products, and the prices and features are often compared, enabling customers to choose the right products that suit their needs. For retailers, it is easier to manage the business; all they need is the warehouse and an office, hire a couple of people to start our online stores. Plus, the market can be exposed to people throughout the day to fit different groups of customer's needs. On the other side, the ease of online shopping has made many people compulsive shoppers. Most of us spend lots of time on the internet every day. And while we are on the internet, we get bombarded with numerous advertisements. The fact that online shopping encourages us to buy things that we do not need or use, cannot be denied. Thus, this leads to debts. Also, there are security concerns. When we buy something online, we run a small risk of getting our financial information exploited by hackers. There are some disadvantages for the suppliers also. The biggest concern is about the return policy. It is reasonable for people to try on clothes, and they have the right to return the product if they don't fit. However, to the retailers, this kind of situation will create a lot more works and lower efficiency. In conclusion, Online shopping has been very familiar to many of us nowadays. Besides many benefits, this kind of business also brings some problems for both customers and retailers.
Recently, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and services
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
is increasing more than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. There is no denying the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become more popular than in-store
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. This trend has both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
and suppliers
as well
.

On the
first
side,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is
indeed
convenient.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Customers
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to go outside to shop, and they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
anything
directly
within a few clicks from the comfort of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to select from a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, and the prices and features are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
compared, enabling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
to choose the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that suit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
. For retailers, it is easier to manage the business; all they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
is the warehouse and an office, hire a couple of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
stores. Plus, the market can
be exposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
throughout the day to fit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
groups of customer's needs.

On the other side, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
compulsive shoppers. Most of us spend lots of time on the internet every day. And while we are on the internet, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bombarded with numerous advertisements. The fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
encourages us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things that we do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, cannot
be denied
.
Thus
, this leads to debts.
Also
, there are security concerns. When we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, we run a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of getting our financial information exploited by hackers. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages for the suppliers
also
. The biggest concern is about the return policy. It is reasonable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to try on clothes, and they have the right to return the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
if they don't fit.
However
, to the retailers, this kind of situation will create a lot more works and lower efficiency.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
familiar to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of us nowadays.
Besides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits, this kind of business
also
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
and retailers.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The proportion of money spent on various household expenses in Malaysia and Japan is shown in the pie chart v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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