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The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree? v.1

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. v. 1
You should prevent health problems and illness from occurring rather than having treatments and taking medicines. Government has to distribute moneys based on this. I can’t agree with this opinion completely because I think that this it has both positive and negative aspects. First of all, I will discuss an advantage of the opinion. In general, therapy and medicine are more expensive than prevention of diseases. For example, if you get a cold and have a high fever, you have to go to see a doctor and you will pay a lot of money for the diagnosis and medicine. If you would like to keep yourself from getting a cold, you have to just wash your hands and mouth before you enter the house or eat food. Also, its cost is not expensive. So, you don’t have to pay a lot and have to do just easy things for prevention of health problems and illness. In contrast, I will write about disadvantages. Paying money for preventing health problems means paying money for healthy people. So, you pay money though you are effectively healthy. This expense may not be need. and, some diseases are difficult to prevent, for example, some types of cancer. I consider that treatment and medicine is significant as well as prevention for those illnesses and you also have to use money for the therapy and medicine. In conclusion, this opinion is double edged sword, so I can’t agree fully. It is important to use money depending on cases. For instance, in case of diseases which are relatively prevented with ease, you should pay for the prevention more.
You should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
health problems and illness from occurring
rather
than having treatments and taking medicines.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
distribute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
moneys
based on this. I can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this it has both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I will discuss an advantage of the opinion.
In general
, therapy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
are more expensive than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevention
of diseases.
For example
, if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
and have a high fever, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a doctor and you will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the diagnosis and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
. If you would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
yourself from getting a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
wash your hands and mouth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
you enter the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or eat food.
Also
, its cost is not expensive.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, you don’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
a lot and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
easy things for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevention
of health problems and illness.

In contrast
, I will write about disadvantages. Paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for preventing health problems means paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
though you are
effectively
healthy. This expense may not
be need
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
and
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases are difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
,
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
types of cancer. I consider that treatment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
is significant
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevention
for those illnesses and you
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the therapy and medicine.

In conclusion
, this opinion is
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
double edged
sword,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
fully
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
depending on cases.
For instance
, in case of diseases which are
relatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
, you should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prevention
more.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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