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The prevention of health problems and health illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree. v.3

The precautions of health problems and illness are more significant than treatment and medicine. Government funding should review this problem. I totally agree with the statement and think that the prevention should be the higher priority. First of all, the process of taking measures against the obesity and weight problems should begin in the early ages of the children. The government should invest in future children, they must be provided with a healthier food and should be recommended to do exercises at least twice a week. That will not only prevent future health problems and illness but it will also make them fitter. Likewise, it will make them feel better mentally because the exercising releases endorphins. Nevertheless, the government should not cut the funding of the treatment and medicine. There are a lot of people which are suffering from chronic illnesses, and who had a collusion or an accident that paralyse them. Likewise funding should cover the taxes which people are paying for an expensive operation. Furthermore, they should spend more money on building more affordable medical universities and there will be more young people attracted to start a career and treat patients. In conclusion I would like to say that the government should invest more money in the health problems and illness because if they can determinate this major difficulty that will also decrease the health problems of their patients in the future and they will not need a treatment and medicine.
The precautions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
are more significant than treatment and medicine.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
funding should review this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the prevention should be the higher priority.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, the process of taking measures against the obesity and weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
in the early ages of the children. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should invest in future children, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be provided
with a healthier food and should
be recommended
to do exercises at least twice a week. That will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them fitter.
Likewise
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel better mentally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the exercising releases endorphins.

Nevertheless
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
the funding of the treatment and medicine. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
which are suffering from chronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illnesses
, and who had a collusion or an accident that
Possible spelling mistake. ‘paralyse’ is British English.
paralyse
them.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Likewise
funding should cover the taxes which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are paying for an expensive operation.
Furthermore
, they should spend more money on building more affordable medical universities and there will be more young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
attracted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a career and treat patients.

In
The comma is probably missing here: “conclusion, I”.
conclusion I
would like to say that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should invest more money in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if they
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
can determinate
this major difficulty that will
also
decrease the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of their patients in the
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
they will not need a treatment and medicine.
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Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
243 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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