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The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion, v.1

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. with this opinion, v. 1
Nowadays, it has been observed that, there is an increase in the rate of children's crime. Some people argue that, this is mainly because of the busy work lifestyle of their mothers and mothers do not get enough period to pamper the children. I am not agreeing with this opinion and the following essay state points to support my view. Firstly, the predominant reason for the growth in the crime rates with the kids are because of the influence from the movies and the cartoons what they are watching. Most of the children like to follow and imitate the character what they see on the television. In addition to this, they feel excited and proud when they act like their heroes. For example, in a survey conducted in Kerala by the government in the primary school, reveals that more than 50% of the students are addicted to the cartoon characters. Furthermore, they always show vigorous actions in the class. This clearly shows the involvement of the shows in the development of a kid's mental growth. Secondly, the working mothers usually give extra care to the children when they are near to them. They give more attention towards kid's daily activities and in their overall development to make sure that, their babies are doing good. During the work, they send the kids to day care, where they get entertainment and support from the trained teachers. Moreover, day cares are free from the screenplay and babies get enough hours to interact with the same age group. These actually help the babies to develop as better individuals. For example, in Kerala, most of the IT companies has arrangement to look after the working women's babies. These babies show active development and have a good character. In conclusion, it is because of the unwanted screen time like cartoons and family drama, kids are acting in a different way. Additionally, the infant care centres have more positive feedback among society. Hence we cannot say that, the reason for the crime is not because of less family time.
Nowadays, it has
been observed
that, there is an increase in the rate of children's crime.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that, this is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the busy work lifestyle of their mothers and mothers do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
period to pamper the children. I
The verb 'agreeing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
am not agreeing
with this opinion and the following essay state points to support my view.

Firstly
, the predominant reason for the growth in the crime rates with the kids are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the influence from the movies and the cartoons what they are watching. Most of the children like to follow and imitate the character what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on the television.
In addition
to this, they feel excited and proud when they act like their heroes.
For example
, in a survey conducted in Kerala by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in the primary school, reveals that more than 50% of the students
are addicted
to the cartoon characters.
Furthermore
, they always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
vigorous actions in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. This
clearly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
the involvement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
in the development of a kid's mental growth.

Secondly
, the working mothers
usually
give extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
to the children when they are near to them. They give more attention towards kid's daily activities and in their
overall
development to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
babies
are doing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
. During the work, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
the kids to day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
, where they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
entertainment and support from the trained teachers.
Moreover
, day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cares
are free from the screenplay and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
babies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
hours to interact with the same age group. These actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
babies
to develop as better individuals.
For example
, in Kerala, most of the IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
has arrangement to look after the working women's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
babies
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
babies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
active development and have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
character.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the unwanted screen time like cartoons and family drama, kids are acting in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way.
Additionally
, the infant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
feedback among society.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
we cannot say that, the reason for the crime is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of less family time.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
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Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. with this opinion, v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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