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Some people believe if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it will cause some problems. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it will cause some problems. v. 2
Citizen’s aging problems become serious social issues, thus some governments issue some new policies to reduce the pressure on paying pensions, which the most common one is allowed people to work after the original retirement age. In my opinion, this measure might solve certain financial problems from governments, but will create other social problems. Firstly, this phenomenon could take away numerous young people’s opportunities of work. The number of jobs which provided via the society is almost constant during a short-term period, because when old employees who delay retirement, which means these jobs will be available for fresh graduates in a few years later, especially, it would affect the high skills requirement kinds of jobs. For example, architectural design enterprises are often trying to hold their old employees as long as possible, because they accumulated a lot of knowledge and experience. Therefore, the unemployment rate of youth might rise and add some unstable elements to societies. On the other hand, it could increase the operating cost of businesses. The length of service is an important factor for human resources setting a salary structure, so the old usual gain a much higher income than the new. For example, a worker might get $30 per hour on the first day of his career, and he could get $100 per hour after 30 years, that could be a big pressure on some manufacturer or service provider because there is no a big skill gap of jobs between the young and old. According to the reverses view that young people not only reduce the labour cost, but also become the new blood join to the group and develop the industries. In conclusion, although a delay of retirement could transfer a part of financial problems from the government to individual and companies, it will create some new troubles to the society.
Citizen’s aging problems become serious social issues,
thus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
issue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
policies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the pressure on paying pensions, which the most common one is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to work after the original retirement age. In my opinion, this measure might solve certain financial problems from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will create other social problems.

Firstly
, this phenomenon could take away numerous young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s opportunities of work. The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which provided via the society is almost constant during a short-term period,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
employees who delay retirement, which means these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
will be available for fresh graduates in a few years later,
especially
, it would affect the high
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "skills'" or "skill's"?
skills
requirement kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
For example
, architectural design enterprises are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
trying to hold their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
employees as long as possible,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they accumulated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
knowledge and experience.
Therefore
, the unemployment rate of youth might rise and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unstable elements to societies.

On the other hand
, it could increase the operating cost of businesses. The length of service is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for human resources setting a salary structure,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
usual gain a much higher income than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
.
For example
, a worker might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
$30 per hour on the
first
day of his career, and he could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
$100 per hour after 30 years, that could be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
pressure on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
manufacturer or service provider
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
gap of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
between the young and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
. According to the reverses view that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
cost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
become the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
blood
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
to the group and develop the industries.

In conclusion
, although a delay of retirement could transfer a part of financial problems from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to individual and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, it will create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
troubles to the society.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people believe if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it will cause some problems. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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