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The graphs below show the total production and sources of electricity in two countries in 1980 and 2000. v.1

The graphs below show the total production and sources of electricity in two countries in 1980 and 2000. v. 1
There is a growing debate across the society over the number of hours; children should spend at school, as in many countries these are of less as compared to some others, where it is actually more than former. Time spent at school learning, plays a vital role in the development of the child’s future. I would argue for the advantages of spending less hours at school. The first and foremost benefit of it is the more leisure time at home with family or friends. Adolescents can spend this time playing indoor and outdoor games with their peers or family members, which will help them in developing their social and interpersonal skills. For instance, a report published by the Times, states that, children who spend more time in a day while playing tend to imbibe more social skills than their peers, who spends more time in academic study, and less active in sports. Moreover, it helps in building healthy relationships with parents, when they spend more time with them, which Otherwise is hard to achieve seeing the current burdened education scenario. Furthermore, every learner’s brain has a focused concentration limit, required to grasp the concept being taught at school, which tends to lack, if it gets exhausted. Taken into consideration of this fact, 5 hours of study at school are more than sufficient duration for many students. To illustrate, a study has also cemented this fact by stating that the more hours lead to lack of concentration for the majority of students. To sum up, I conclude that reasonable hours of study at school help students in building their social and intellectual skills, and keeping them intact to the more focused learning than just spending time, out of which half are eventually unproductive.
There is a growing debate across the society over the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
; children should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, as in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries these are of less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others, where it is actually more than former.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Time
spent at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
learning, plays a vital role in the development of the child’s future. I would argue for the advantages of spending less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at school.

The
first
and foremost benefit of it is the more leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home with family or friends. Adolescents can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing indoor and outdoor games with their peers or family members, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in developing their social and interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, a report published by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Times
, states that, children who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in a day while playing tend to imbibe more social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
than their peers, who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, and less active in sports.
Moreover
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in building healthy relationships with parents, when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them, which
Otherwise
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve seeing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
burdened education scenario.

Furthermore
, every learner’s brain has a focused concentration limit, required to grasp the concept
being taught
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, which tends to lack, if it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
exhausted.
You have fused two expressions into one, "in consideration of" and "taking into consideration." Remove the word "of" from the end: "Taken into consideration".
Taken into consideration of
this fact, 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are more than sufficient duration for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students. To illustrate, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
has
also
cemented this fact by stating that the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
lead to lack of concentration for the majority of students.

To sum up, I conclude that reasonable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students in building their social and intellectual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and keeping them intact to the more focused learning than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, out of which half are
eventually
unproductive.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay The graphs below show the total production and sources of electricity in two countries in 1980 and 2000. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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