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The pie charts below show responses by teachers of foreign languages in Britain to a survey concerning why their students are learning a foreign language. The first chart shows the main reason for learning a foreign language. The second chart shows how ma v.1

The pie charts below show responses by teachers of foreign languages in Britain to a survey concerning why their students are learning a foreign language. The first chart shows the main reason for learning a foreign language. The second chart shows how ma v. 1
Because of the technological advancements criminal activities are reducing at a higher rate than past days. Although in some cases offenders are making network using technology, I strongly believe that the crimes are declining at a good pace because of the scientific inventions. Crime rate is falling due to the application of most effective crime detection machineries by the policemen. Some of the tracking devices are so advanced that these could easily find out the position of the evildoers. Moreover, a person’s every movement could be followed by the law enforcers through video recording system that person seems suspicious. Likewise, a criminal’s picture and punishment regarding this could be made viral through media broadcasting to make the people aware not to commit such things. Furthermore, there are also some smart equipment currently using in the labs to identify clues from the specimens. Thus, using these machines by the police officers not only facilitates the process of criminal identification, but also the prevention of crime. For instance, installing video-surveillance-system in important roads has decreased the traffic offences more than 50% in India. On the other hand, offenders can comfortably make network through the electronic devices. No matter where the mischief-makers are staying, they can easily make new contacts and transmit information through online. That is how it is easy to enhance the criminal activities with the electronic devices. Some recent terrorist activities over the world are examples of this. However, all these wrong doings could be tracked using modern instruments. For example, a recent illegal bank transaction in Bangladesh is detected by using a software. In conclusion, despite the fact that the networking of the mischiefs is enhancing in some cases because of the technology, the number of offences are getting down due to the smart detection system. Therefore, until the modern machineries are employed effectively, the level of crime will significantly get down.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of the technological advancements
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activities are reducing at a higher rate than past days. Although in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases offenders are making network using technology, I
strongly
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are declining at a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
pace
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the scientific inventions.

Crime rate is falling due to the application of most effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
detection
Possible spelling mistake found.
machineries
by the policemen.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
tracking devices are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
advanced that these could
easily
find out the position of the evildoers.
Moreover
, a person’s every movement could
be followed
by the law enforcers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
video recording system that person seems suspicious.
Likewise
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal’s
picture and punishment regarding this could
be made
viral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
media broadcasting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aware not to commit such things.
Furthermore
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
smart equipment
currently
using in the labs to identify clues from the specimens.
Thus
, using these machines by the police officers not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
facilitates the process of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
identification,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the prevention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
For instance
, installing video-surveillance-system in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
roads has decreased the traffic
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
more than 50% in India.

On the other hand
, offenders can
comfortably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
network
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
the electronic devices. No matter where the mischief-makers are staying, they can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new contacts and transmit information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
online.
That is
how it is easy to enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activities with the electronic devices.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
recent terrorist activities over the world are examples of this.
However
, all these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
doings could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracked
using modern instruments.
For example
, a recent illegal bank transaction in Bangladesh
is detected
by using a software.

In conclusion
, despite the fact that the networking of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
mischiefs
is enhancing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the technology, the number of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
are getting down due to the smart detection system.
Therefore
, until the modern
Possible spelling mistake found.
machineries
are employed
effectively
, the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
will
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
down.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie charts below show responses by teachers of foreign languages in Britain to a survey concerning why their students are learning a foreign language. The first chart shows the main reason for learning a foreign language. The second chart shows how ma v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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