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The pie charts compare the production of various agricultural products between two areas of the country. Each region develops different major food. v.1

The pie charts compare the production of various agricultural products between two areas of the country. Each region develops different major food. v. 1
The government is focusing on providing connectivity to many of the unconnected remote areas within and outside the boundaries to facilitate easy transportation. Some state that the government should invest more in developing railways rather than the roads. In my opinion, I agree that the investment on railways should be increased considering the guaranteed benefits it will reap for the public. Firstly, railways help in mass mobility of public from place to place at the same travel time, but at a lower expense in comparison to other modes of transportation. In other words, hundreds of people can travel towards a particular destination at a minimal charge as the overall expenditure born by the department is divided among the many passengers travelling thereby reducing the cost vested on each. Thereby making it affordable for the middle and lower class families of the society. For example, Bangalore to Tumkur train takes one hour to reach with a cost as less as thirty-five rupees per head for travelling seventy-two kilometres. So a family of four can carefreely travel to Tumkur in one-forty rupees without much tension of traffic and accidents. Therefore railways should be prioritized above roads. Secondly, the development of railways will help in providing employment opportunities to many youngsters and the unemployed at different cadres. Along with facilitating transportation, railways can create jobs in its department for both the educated and uneducated by considering them into roles of railway master, ticket collector, track in charge and many more. For instance, an educated lad with a degree can be made the account's in charge while a considerable capable person can be made the station in-charge for looking to its overall maintenance. Therefore railways showcase more chances for the public than any. In conclusion, I agree with manifolding the amount of revenue distribution on the railways than on the roads taking into aspects such as the movement of a large number of people between places and the creation of jobs for the need.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is focusing on providing connectivity to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the unconnected remote areas within and outside the boundaries to facilitate easy transportation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
state that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should invest more in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railways
rather
than the roads. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the investment on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railways
should
be increased
considering the guaranteed benefits it will reap for the public.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railways
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in mass mobility of public from place to place at the same travel time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at a lower expense
in comparison
to other modes of transportation.
In other words
, hundreds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can travel towards a particular destination at a minimal charge as the
overall
expenditure born by the department
is divided
among the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
passengers travelling thereby reducing the cost vested on each. Thereby making it affordable for the middle and lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
families of the society.
For example
, Bangalore to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tumkur
train takes one hour to reach with a cost as
Did you mean "less", "little"?
less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
thirty-five rupees per head for travelling seventy-two
Possible spelling mistake. 'kilometres' is British English.
kilometres
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
a family of four can
Possible spelling mistake found.
carefreely
travel to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tumkur
in one-forty rupees without much tension of traffic and accidents.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railways
should
be prioritized
above roads.

Secondly
, the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railways
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in providing employment opportunities to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters and the unemployed at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cadres. Along with facilitating transportation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railways
can create jobs in its department for both the educated and uneducated by considering them into roles of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railway
master, ticket collector,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
in charge and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
For instance
, an educated lad with a degree can
be made
the account's in charge while a considerable capable person can
be made
the station in-charge for looking to its
overall
maintenance.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railways
showcase more chances for the public than any.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with manifolding the amount of revenue distribution on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
railways
than on the roads taking into aspects such as the movement of
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
between places and the creation of jobs for the need.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay The pie charts compare the production of various agricultural products between two areas of the country. Each region develops different major food. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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