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The pie charts below show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland in 1945 and 1995 v.1

The pie charts below show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland in 1945 and 1995 v. 1
Company owners take details of personal level from their employees before employing them in their companies. Therefore, some people agree that it help companies to judge their workers in a better way. While, some contradict this by saying that it is completely useless. I personally believe that it is the right of the business domain to know about the details related to a worker’s life. This essay will discuss this scenario, using the examples of Oxford University Research and Time Magazine survey to demonstrate points and support claims. On the one hand, some people advocate that the details related to a personal life are a must to know thing for any organization. Because, you can’t know the attitude of an employee without knowing its habits or lifestyle. Furthermore, it also helps to decide the salary brackets of that person –married gets more as compared to bachelor. For example, Oxford University in 2015 researched on the employer’s right to know about the lives of those working with them and find out that companies will go in loss if they stop keeping their employee records of personal nature. So, from this example, it is clear that personal information is the right of employer to know. On the other hand, some people consider this a fruitless activity. As employees sometimes lie about their skills and habits. Additionally, people want to keep their official life separate from their own life. Similarly, a survey of Time Magazine suggests the same story, that 60% people don’t like that their managers ask about their personal life. So, from this example, it is clear that some people are very touchy about their own life and they don’t want it to share it even with their bosses. To conclude, being possessive about own life is good, but business is also a second home of every person. So, in my view, it is useful to keep full worker details either it is personal or not, in any organization. In the future, it will be better that governments will legalize this by making it compulsory for job personals to share their basic information with their employing domains.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Company
owners take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
level from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
employing them in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to judge their workers in a better way.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
contradict this by saying that it is completely useless. I
personally
believe that it is the right of the business domain to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
related to a worker’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This essay will discuss this scenario, using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
of Oxford University Research and Time Magazine survey to demonstrate points and support claims.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
advocate that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
related to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
are a
After 'must', the verb is used without 'to'. Probably, you should use "must" or "have to" here.
must to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
thing for any organization.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, you can’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
the attitude of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
without knowing its habits or lifestyle.
Furthermore
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to decide the salary brackets of that person –married
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to bachelor. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, Oxford University in 2015 researched on the employer’s right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of those working with them and find out that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will go in loss if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
keeping their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
records of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
nature.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information is the right of employer to know.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider this a fruitless activity. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
lie about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and habits.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their official
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
separate from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Similarly
, a survey of Time Magazine suggests the same story, that 60%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t like that their managers ask about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
touchy about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they don’t want it to share it even with their bosses.

To conclude
, being possessive about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
business is
also
a second home of every person.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in my view, it is useful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
full worker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
either it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
or not, in any organization. In the future, it will be better that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
will legalize this by making it compulsory for job personals to share their basic information with their employing domains.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie charts below show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland in 1945 and 1995 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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