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The bar chart shows the number of times per week (in 1000s), over 5 weeks, that three computer packages were downloaded from the Internet. v.1

The bar chart shows the number of times per week (in 1000s), over 5 weeks, that three computer packages were downloaded from the Internet. v. 1
Parents are very touchy about their kids. Therefore, they purchase a lot of toys in order to make their children happy. This essay will discuss the pros and cons of this strategy using the examples of Oxford University research and Time Magazine survey to demonstrate points and support claims. On the one hand, purchasing large number of toys have twofold benefits. Firstly, playing with toys will improve the toddler's analytical approach. Secondly, toys like building blocks provides them the opportunity to research more ways to construct a new thing. For example, Oxford University in 2016 researched that it is psychologically proven that large number of toys help infants to mentally grow better as compared to those infants who play with few toys. So, it is clear from this example, that having more toys are beneficial for the child mental development. On the other hand, despite of its benefits there are few disadvantages of this strategy. As, children don't understand the importance of earning that how their guardians are earning money to purchase these toys. Additionally, having more toys make infants proud. Similarly, a survey of Time Magazine suggests the same story that 60% people dislike the idea of purchasing large number of toys for their children as this makes their mind negative about other kids and they start hating them because they have few toys. So from this example, it is clear that toys sometimes develop negative behavior in growing babies. To conclude, it is good that parents buy toys for their kids because of its countless benefits, but too many toys sometimes initiates negative attitude problem in toddlers. And it is also more appropriate approach that fathers and mothers link the toys with some task, that if you achieve that certain task, we will purchase a new toy for you.
Parents are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
touchy about their kids.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their children happy. This essay will discuss the pros and cons of this strategy using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
of Oxford University research and Time Magazine survey to demonstrate points and support claims.

On the one hand, purchasing large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
have twofold benefits.
Firstly
, playing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the toddler's analytical approach.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
like building blocks provides them the opportunity to research more ways to construct a new thing. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, Oxford University in 2016 researched that it is
psychologically
proven that large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
infants to mentally grow better as compared to those infants who play with few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, that having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
are beneficial for the child mental development.

On the other hand
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
its benefits there are few disadvantages of this strategy.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
, children don't understand the importance of earning that how their guardians are earning money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
.
Additionally
, having more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
infants proud.
Similarly
, a survey of Time Magazine suggests the same story that 60%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
dislike the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of purchasing large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
for their children as this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their mind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
about other
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
kids and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
hating them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
behavior in growing babies.

To conclude
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
that parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
for their kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its countless benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
initiates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attitude problem in toddlers. And it is
also
more appropriate approach that fathers and mothers link the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
task, that if you achieve that certain task, we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toy
for you.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart shows the number of times per week (in 1000s), over 5 weeks, that three computer packages were downloaded from the Internet. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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