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The pie chart below shows the amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year v.1

The pie chart below shows the amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year v. 1
While some individuals opine that it is vital to rest the mind during free time, I believe it is more significant to use the free time to improve the capabilities of mind by doing activities such reading and solving puzzles because these types of acts provides human beings with innovative capabilities along with the relaxation. On the one hand, it is undeniable fact that human brain requires rest after some hours of work. This rest is necessary to refresh the power of the brain to do the work again. For instance, if an employee works continuously for eight hours, it would be mandatory for him to give a break to his brain to work again with the full capabilities. However, this can be done by taking proper sleep during the nights. Since, according to medical science, seven to eight hours of sleep is enough for human being, one can easily pursue one's hobbies during free time. On the other hand, it must be agreed that doing various kinds of activities during leisure time enhances the knowledgebase of a person. In this case, by pursuing hobbies one can make one's mind more informative and innovative. For example, playing word puzzles in the free time contributes in knowledge of someone about different words. Similarly, by reading books in the free time enhances information about the various fact of different subject matters. Moreover, many people feel relaxed by performing activities of their interests. In conclusion, although people have varied views about the utilization of leisure time, according to my opinion spending free time to enhance the mind's capability is a best utilization of leisure time. This way a human being can make himself a happier and knowledgeable person.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals opine that it is vital to rest the mind during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, I believe it is more significant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
capabilities
of mind by doing activities such reading and solving puzzles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these types of acts provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings with innovative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
capabilities
along with the relaxation.

On the one hand, it is undeniable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
brain requires rest after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hours of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. This rest is necessary to refresh the power of the brain to do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
again.
For instance
, if an employee works
continuously
for eight hours, it would be mandatory for him to give a break to his brain to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
again with the full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
capabilities
.
However
, this can
be done
by taking proper sleep during the nights. Since, according to medical science, seven to eight hours of sleep is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being, one can
easily
pursue one's hobbies during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
time.

On the other hand
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that doing various kinds of activities during leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
enhances the
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledgebase
of a person.
In this case
, by pursuing hobbies one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
one's mind more informative and innovative.
For example
, playing word puzzles in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
contributes in knowledge of someone about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
words.
Similarly
, by reading books in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
enhances information about the various fact of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
subject matters.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel relaxed by performing activities of their interests.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have varied views about the utilization of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, according to my opinion spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to enhance the mind's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
capability
is
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best utilization of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This way a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
himself a happier and knowledgeable person.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie chart below shows the amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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