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The pie chart shows the amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The pie chart shows the amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year.
With the rapid pace of commercialization in various developing nations, there are a plenty of job opportunities available for the umemployed people. While most of the employers concentrate on the academic qualifications or the previous working experience, in my opinion, the companies should focus more on the skills and other private factors to determine best candidate for the placement. I completely agree to such a measure, which can help both the candidate as well as the recruiter. First of all, when top priority for recruitment is given to a skillful and talented candidate, it not only gives the candidate a perfect platform to make proper utilization of his skills, but also the recruiter receives several benefits from the important practical knowledge of the selected candidate. For instance, the top online company named Google, recruits most of the people for lower positions, who have the required skills rather than the educational credits. Use of the skills is crucial for innovation, which inturn empower the success of an organization. Furthermore, such a measure gives a great financial benefit to the job offering brand. Fresh candidates, who do not have any prior experience, are available at comparatively lower salary package than the other regular job seekers, who have reputed academic degrees. For example, according to a report issued by the Employment Agency of India, fresh job lookers expect 40 percent less annual salary than the experienced class. Such a saving can be very economical for an organization. In conclusion, with the increased amount of available work options, it is often considered better to make the selection process based on the personal factors of the applicant. This essay agrees completely with the proposed consideration due to its several advantages for the employees as well as the companies.
With the rapid pace of commercialization in various developing nations, there are a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities available for the
Possible spelling mistake found.
umemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. While most of the employers concentrate on the academic qualifications or the previous working experience, in my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should focus more on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and other private factors to
A determiner is probably missing here: "determine the best".
determine best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidate
for the placement. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to such a measure, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidate
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
the recruiter.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, when top priority for recruitment is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to a skillful and talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidate
, it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
gives the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidate
a perfect platform to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
proper utilization of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the recruiter receives several benefits from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
practical knowledge of the selected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidate
.
For instance
, the top online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
named Google, recruits most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for lower positions, who have the required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
rather
than the educational credits.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Use
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
is crucial for innovation, which
Possible spelling mistake found.
inturn
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "empowers".
empower
the success of an organization.

Furthermore
, such a measure gives a great financial benefit to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
offering brand. Fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidates
, who do not have any prior experience, are available at
comparatively
lower salary package than the other regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
seekers, who have reputed academic degrees.
For example
, according to a report issued by the Employment Agency of India, fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
lookers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
40 percent less annual salary than the experienced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. Such a saving can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
economical for an organization.

In conclusion
, with the increased amount of available work options, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the selection process based on the personal factors of the applicant. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
completely with the proposed consideration due to its several advantages for the employees
as well
as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie chart shows the amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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