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The bar chart below shows the estimated sales of jeans for two companies next year in Turkey. The pie chart shows the projected market share of the two companies in jeans at the end of next year. v.1

The bar chart below shows the estimated sales of jeans for two companies next year in Turkey. The pie chart shows the projected market share of the two companies in jeans at the end of next year. v. 1
Nowadays, in some high school scholars are allowed to blame their tutors for their method of teaching. Some say that this strategy can improve the quality of training; however, others, including myself, believe that its advantages outweigh the benefits being earned from this system because teaching will become less effective, the rate of offence will increase and more budgets will be needed for education. Obviously, I give a green light to those believing that students should not be involved in teaching because of three important reasons. One is that following this method, the quality of education can drop. Definitely, the rules are extremely important for controlling of students because many of them do not have enough experience about teaching, reducing the educational performance thoroughly. For example, had our principal allowed us to give our opinion about practical physic lessons, we would not have learned the detail of them. We understood that our physic trainer had been one of the best ones in this course; however, had we allowed to have challenges with him, we would have missed him. Another reason behind it is that the rate of violence can increase markedly. Students feel more freedom in other aspects of their life when their opinions are valued in this area, and their behaviours will become less controllable. This group can become more aggressive in the workplace, university or even in their relations with other citizens. However, when they face some restrictions during this stage in their life, they become more probable law-abiding citizens. Lastly, the cost of education can increase. Admittedly, this method of education will become more costly because students always consider the quality of teaching, while the expenses must be included in the new changes. For instance, if an instructor, having a one-year training contract, is banned by students to teach them, he will receive the total salary. Authorities usually consider all aspects of education, including finance, and budget. In conclusion, although some people might agree that students’ opinions should be valued by the authorities, I personally believe that this is not a perfect method. Having a better control by the administration, the rate of violation among students and education expenses will decrease, and authorities will have a better control on the efficacy of the training system.
Nowadays, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
high school scholars are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to blame their tutors for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
say that this strategy can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of training;
however
, others, including myself, believe that its advantages outweigh the benefits
being earned
from this system
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
less effective, the rate of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
will increase and more budgets will
be needed
for education.

Obviously
, I give a green light to those believing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should not
be involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons. One is that following this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
, the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can drop. Definitely, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
are
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for controlling of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experience about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
, reducing the educational performance
thoroughly
.
For example
, had our principal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
us to give our opinion about practical physic lessons, we would not have learned the detail of them. We understood that our physic trainer had been one of the best ones in this course;
however
, had we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to have challenges with him, we would have missed him.

Another reason behind it is that the rate of violence can increase
markedly
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
feel more freedom in other aspects of their life when their opinions
are valued
in this area, and their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
less controllable. This group can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more aggressive in the workplace, university or even in their relations with other citizens.
However
, when they face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restrictions during this stage in their life, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more probable law-abiding citizens.

Lastly
, the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can increase.
Admittedly
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more costly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
always consider the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
, while the expenses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be included
in the new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.
For instance
, if an instructor, having a one-year training contract,
is banned
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to teach them, he will receive the total salary. Authorities
usually
consider all aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, including finance, and budget.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
opinions should
be valued
by the authorities, I
personally
believe that this is not a perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
. Having a better control by the administration, the rate of violation among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
expenses will decrease, and authorities will have a better control on the efficacy of the training system.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the estimated sales of jeans for two companies next year in Turkey. The pie chart shows the projected market share of the two companies in jeans at the end of next year. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
378 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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