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The percentage of overweight children in western countries has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. v.1

The percentage of overweight children in western countries has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. v. 1
Recent medical studies reveal that over the last 10 years, the number of children suffering from obesity has surged by 20% approximately. The primary reasons for this increase are the excessive use of multimedia and consumption of junk food. As a result, the health of children is deteriorating leading to various health issues and also, lack of self confidence is being observed in overweight children. First reason of obesity is, the unlimited use of multimedia. In other words, children prefer to watch cartoon shows on television or play video games on computers or phone rather than playing in a park. In addition, nowadays teenagers consume packed and fatty foods such as cold drinks and pizza, which is full of sugar and preservatives. They prefer such fast foods over fresh home cooked food, which is full of nutrients required for proper development of the body and mind. Consequently, such bad habits have detrimental effects on the health of little ones leading to abnormal weight gain. One of the effects of improper weight gain is that many children suffer from various issues such as increased blood pressure levels and diabetes. This means that at an early age, children are prone to heart attacks or kidney malfunction. Moreover, obese children end up with low self-esteem in life. This is because they are unfit and cannot participate in activities such as sports. They also fall as a prey to mocking and giggling by other children in school. Thus, obesity leads to ill-effects on the mind and body of young ones which can worsen up and result in deaths and suicides. To conclude, the preference of media over fun activities and fast food over home cooked food have bizarre effects on children's health and mind. Therefore, parents need to actively monitor the habits of their children and motivate them to participate in ground plays and to exercise regularly. This will indeed, improve the fitness levels of young ones and instill a strong character in them.
Recent medical studies reveal that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the last 10 years, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffering from obesity has surged by 20% approximately. The primary reasons for this increase are the excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of multimedia and consumption of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is deteriorating leading to various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues and
also
, lack of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self confidence
is
being observed
in overweight children.

First
reason of obesity is, the unlimited
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of multimedia.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
cartoon
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
on television or play video games on computers or phone
rather
than playing in a park.
In addition
, nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
consume packed and fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
drinks and pizza, which is full of sugar and preservatives. They prefer such
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
fresh home cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, which is full of nutrients required for proper development of the body and mind.
Consequently
, such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits have detrimental effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
leading to abnormal weight gain.

One of the effects of improper weight gain is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffer from various issues such as increased blood pressure levels and diabetes. This means that at an early age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are prone to heart attacks or kidney malfunction.
Moreover
, obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with low self-esteem in life. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are unfit and cannot participate in activities such as sports. They
also
fall as a prey to mocking and giggling by other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in school.
Thus
, obesity leads to ill-effects on the mind and body of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
which can worsen up and result in deaths and suicides.

To conclude
, the preference of media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
fun activities and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
home cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
have bizarre effects on children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and mind.
Therefore
, parents need to
actively
monitor the habits of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and motivate them to participate in ground plays and to exercise
regularly
. This will
indeed
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the fitness levels of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
and instill a strong character in them.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western countries has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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