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In some countries the average of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures coud be taken to solve them? v.1

In some countries the average of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures coud be taken to solve them? v. 1
Nowadays, the number of people who become overweight has experienced an increase and their health condition and fitness level are declining. This essay will discuss some of the reasons why these problems have arisen and some of the steps that can be taken to address them. On the one hand, the major reason is to blame for gaining weight is a sedentary lifestyle. People currently are swamped with heavy workloads, they have to work for longer hours. They wake up very early in the morning to go to their workplace and arrive home late at night and they are almost lack of time for entertaining and physical activities, thus leading to obesity. Furthermore, children and adults consume less organic food and more junk or processed food which consists high amount of fat and sugar which is the main substance causing to fatness. For example, the proportions of fat people, especially in teenagers are highest in the world due to overwhelming consumption of burgers and fries. Because the pace of life is so fast that a lot of workers and students often tend to choose eating fast food in main meal, unfortunately those prepared foods contain high levels of less healthy ingredients and unbalanced nutrition. On the other hand, many viable solutions are proposed to tackle with those problems. Firstly, people should be more selective in choosing their diets. They should abstain from convenience products and consume more dietary fibre such as fresh vegetables, fruits. Secondly, they should do more physical exercises and burn more calories in their life. One of the ways is by changing their mode of transportations. For instance, they could change the way they commute from driving a car to riding a bicycle. It is not just making the body healthier, but bike riding also reduces air pollution as well. In conclusion, it is undeniable that people are having problems with body weight and health conditions in modern society. However, they can solve their issues by living in lifestyle physical activities and eating more cooking meals.
Nowadays, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who become overweight has experienced an increase and their health condition and fitness level are declining. This essay will discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons why these problems have arisen and
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
steps that can
be taken
to address them.

On the one hand, the major reason is to blame for gaining weight is a sedentary lifestyle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
currently
are swamped
with heavy workloads, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for longer hours. They wake up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early in the morning to go to their workplace and arrive home late at
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
night and
they are almost lack of time for entertaining and physical activities,
thus
leading to obesity.
Furthermore
, children and adults consume less organic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and more junk or processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which consists high amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar which is the main substance causing to fatness.
For example
, the proportions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are highest in the world due to overwhelming consumption of burgers and fries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the pace of life is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
workers and students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tend to choose eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in main meal, unfortunately those prepared
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
contain high levels of less healthy ingredients and unbalanced nutrition.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
viable solutions
are proposed
to tackle with those problems.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be more selective in choosing their diets. They should abstain from convenience products and consume more dietary
Possible spelling mistake. 'fibre' is British English.
fibre
such as fresh vegetables, fruits.
Secondly
, they should do more physical exercises and burn more calories in their life. One of the ways is by changing their mode of transportations.
For instance
, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the way they commute from driving a car to riding a bicycle. It is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
making the body healthier,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
bike riding
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
air pollution
as well
.

In conclusion
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are having problems with body weight and health conditions in modern society.
However
, they can solve their issues by living in lifestyle physical activities and eating more cooking meals.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries the average of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures coud be taken to solve them? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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