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The passage describes a problem. Explain what the problem is and what steps are being taken to fix it. v.1

The passage describes a problem. Explain what the problem is and what steps are being taken to fix it. v. 1
Admittedly food and education are two primary contributors to the development and growth of the Nations. A certain section of people asserts that privileged countries should provide these key factors to the poor Ones. I firmly agree with this notion and same will be discussed in the father paragraph. To begin, this statement is a good approach for the integration of the world. Evidence of this statement states that countries are coming closer in terms of trade, commerce and Technology and shares all these with each other. For instance, India exports their spices all across the world and it enhances the business relationship between the nations. Thus, it is a positive approach towards the harmonization of the world. Leaping further, every individual has a right to get an education so that person can become independent and work to meet the both the ends in life. Eventually, if economically strong countries would support the poorer ones, this would be a great step towards the betterment of the society. To exemplify, Canada provides financial support to the minor countries such as Cambodia to give educational facilities and also established some programs for this development. Consequently richer countries must play their part to contribute, to give proper knowledge to the poor natives. Another favourable argument to this statement is that at the time of crisis such as natural disasters, pandemic, countries must come forward as a helping hand so that when any circumstances occur in the future to them, they can also expect some support from others. To illustrate, India provides medical help to America when Corona virus strikes on the people of the nation. Henceforth, the strongest Bond has built between both the Nations. In conclusion, it can be reiterated that richer countries should come forward to help the poor countries and also need to share some food and education facilities with them so that the brotherhood between the countries can be enhanced.
Admittedly
food and education are two primary contributors to the development and growth of the Nations. A certain section of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
asserts that privileged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should provide these key factors to the poor Ones. I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion and same will
be discussed
in the father paragraph.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, this statement is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
approach for the integration of the world. Evidence of this statement states that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are coming closer in terms of trade, commerce and Technology and shares all these with each other.
For instance
, India exports their spices all across the world and it enhances the business relationship between the nations.
Thus
, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
approach towards the harmonization of the world.

Leaping
further
, every individual has a right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that person can become independent and work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the both the ends in life.
Eventually
, if
economically
strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
would support the poorer ones, this would be a great step towards the betterment of the society. To exemplify, Canada provides financial support to the minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as Cambodia to give educational facilities and
also
established
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
programs for this development.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Consequently
richer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
play their part to contribute, to give proper knowledge to the poor natives.

Another
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
argument to this statement is that at the time of crisis such as natural disasters, pandemic,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
forward as a helping hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that when any circumstances occur in the future to them, they can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
support from others. To illustrate, India provides medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to America when
The term "Coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
Corona virus
strikes on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of the nation. Henceforth, the strongest Bond has built between both the Nations.

In conclusion
, it can
be reiterated
that richer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
forward to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and
also
need to share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
food and education facilities with them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the brotherhood between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can
be enhanced
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The passage describes a problem. Explain what the problem is and what steps are being taken to fix it. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
321 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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