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The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree with these views? v.8

The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 8
Nowadays, there is a significant increase of obese children in developed countries. Actually, this thought-provoking debate, whether the parents are the main reason behind this drastic quandary or the growing number of fast food outlets, has caused a ruckus among myriads of citizens. Unfortunately, this essay will depict how both sides of the coin contributed to this. With emphasis to my opinion, although I may catch flak with business men, the clear rise in the number of fast food outlets available is the bedrock of obesity! That is to say that most of these restaurants' menus do not include a variety of healthy meals. For example, if a child has the option to choose from the photos of the menu either a green plain salad or a cheesy stuffed-crust pizza, he will definitely go for pizza. Not only does the fast food's taste is much better, but its smell is outstanding! Extremely biased my opinion; however despite the obvious proves stated, one cannot turn a blind eye on the blame that should have been directed to parents. That is to say even though I support freedom of choice so that each person make whatever he/she likes, parents should coerce their children not to eat a lot of these unhealthy stores. For example, if a child ate these more than once a week, fierce punishment, which both the parents and the children agreed on, should be done. Although it may be hectic -and some may see it superfluous- for parents to keep following up their children, they will surely be healthier. To take all points into consideration, I personally acquiesce that both factors took part in these children's overweight. Notwithstanding that others may adapt different standpoint, I have a resolute unwavering advocate that children must have an iron will to lose weight and strive to be fitter. I also recommend that only healthy meals should be sold in the school canteen to encourage the students.
Nowadays, there is a significant increase of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
. Actually, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
-provoking debate, whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the main reason behind this drastic quandary or the growing number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food outlets, has caused a ruckus among myriads of citizens. Unfortunately, this essay will depict how both sides of the coin contributed to this.

With emphasis to my opinion, although I may catch flak with business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
rise in the number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food outlets available is the bedrock of obesity!
That is
to say that most of these restaurants' menus do not include a variety of healthy meals.
For example
, if a child has the option to choose from the photos of the menu either a green plain salad or a cheesy stuffed-crust pizza, he will definitely go for pizza. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food's taste is much better,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
its smell is outstanding!

Extremely
biased my opinion;
however
despite the obvious
Did you mean "proofs" (noun) instead of proves (verb)?
proves
stated, one cannot turn a blind eye on the blame that should have
been directed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
That is
to say
even though
I support freedom of choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that each person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
whatever he/she likes,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should coerce their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
not to eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
these unhealthy stores.
For example
, if a child ate these more than once a week, fierce punishment, which both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
on, should
be done
. Although it may be hectic -and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it superfluous- for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
following up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they will
surely
be healthier.

To take all points into consideration, I
personally
acquiesce that both factors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in these children's overweight. Notwithstanding that others may adapt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
standpoint, I have a resolute unwavering advocate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have an iron will to lose weight and strive to be fitter. I
also
recommend that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
healthy meals should
be sold
in the school canteen to encourage the students.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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