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The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree with these views? v.1

The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 1
When discussing the possible causes of pediatric obesity, one should bear in mind the complexity of the issue. Some people believe that the main problem leading to obesity is the rapidly growing number of fast food restaurants, which provides an unhealthy but cheap meal. Others, including myself, think that parents carry the main responsibility to this growing epidemic. In the following essay, I will provide arguments and examples to support my opinion. Parental responsibilty as educators is, in my opinion, a major cause in children's overweight problem. Parents should educate their children, from an early age, about the fundamental components of food such as carbohydrates, proteins and fats. Furthermore, kids should be taught about the importance of a balanced diet and to avoid foods rich with sugar and fat, like sweat beverages and red meat. According to the New York Times, for example, there is a linear relationship between childrens overweight and parental presence in the child's education. This shows that parents have a cricual role in obesity among children. Another reason explaining why parents are responsible for peaditric obesity is that in developed countires adults are forced to spend many hours working. As a result, parents cook less in comparison to other countries, and the children are forced to rely on fast food. A family, for example, where both parents work 8 hours a day, will not be able to provide a hot and healthy meal for their children when they come back from school. Consequently, these children will likely order food from a near by fast food restaurant. This demonstrates that parental presence have a valuable role in their children's diet, and without it their chances of overweight might increase. In conclusion, I beleive that parents have an important role in educating children about the importance of a correct diet, and in providing them a nutritional meal rather than fast food. We should take care of our childrens life.
When discussing the possible causes of pediatric obesity, one should bear in mind the complexity of the issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the main problem leading to obesity is the
rapidly
growing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants, which provides an unhealthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
meal. Others, including myself,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
carry the main responsibility to this growing epidemic. In the following essay, I will provide arguments and examples to support my opinion.

Parental
Possible spelling mistake found.
responsibilty
as educators is, in my opinion, a major cause in children's overweight problem.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, from an early age, about the fundamental components of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
such as carbohydrates, proteins and fats.
Furthermore
, kids should
be taught
about the importance of a balanced diet and to avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
rich with sugar and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, like sweat beverages and red meat. According to the New York Times,
for example
, there is a linear relationship between
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
overweight and parental presence in the child's education. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a
Possible spelling mistake found.
cricual
role in obesity among children.

Another reason explaining why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible for
Possible spelling mistake found.
peaditric
obesity is that in developed
Possible spelling mistake found.
countires
adults
are forced
to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours working.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
cook less
in comparison
to other countries, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are forced
to rely on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. A family,
for example
, where both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
work 8 hours a day, will not be able to provide a hot and healthy meal for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back from school.
Consequently
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will likely order
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
from a
Did you mean "nearby"?
near by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurant. This demonstrates that parental presence have a valuable role in their children's diet, and without it their chances of overweight might increase.

In conclusion
, I
Possible spelling mistake found.
beleive
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the importance of a correct diet, and in providing them a nutritional meal
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. We should take care of our
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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