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The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v.17

The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 17
It is true that there is a growing trend in obesity children in industrialised nations in recent years. While this issue is being pointed at the widespread fast food restaurants, I would argue that parents should take full responsible for growing a healthy child. To begin with, the expanding of convenient food stores may not be the cause of overweight children. Although some of the foods served in these restaurants may contain high saturated fat items, there are other factors that could also result in gaining weight as well. Firstly, if children consume an excessive amount of unhealthy snacks, sugary soda drinks, or prepackaged foods, they could also become obsessed. Secondly, even if the family did visit the fast food outlets for meals, parents could still substitute unhealthy items with a healthier menu, such as having French fries replaced with vegetables or salad. In addition, parents certainly play a vital role in providing a healthy diet for their children. With the invention of the Internet, it is possible to obtain information of food ingredients, daily nutrient proportion needed in each food category and healthy recipes within minutes. Therefore, learning about how to prepare nutrient meals have never been easier. I believe supplying healthy snacks for children during school days and preparing a healthy balanced meal in the evening in routine could lead to a healthy body. However, we must not be forgotten that ensuring children to have an adequate amount of physical exercise is also a critical contributor to their good health. In conclusion, I believe that parents should be the ones who play a crucial role in upbringing their children in a healthy environment.
It is true that there is a growing trend in obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialised' is British English.
industrialised
nations in recent years. While this issue is
being pointed
at the widespread
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should take full responsible for growing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
child.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the expanding of convenient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
stores may not be the cause of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Although
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
served in these restaurants may contain high saturated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
items, there are other factors that could
also
result in gaining weight
as well
.
Firstly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
consume an excessive amount of unhealthy snacks, sugary soda drinks, or prepackaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, they could
also
become obsessed.
Secondly
, even if the family did visit the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlets for meals,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could
still
substitute unhealthy items with a healthier menu, such as having French fries replaced with vegetables or salad.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
certainly
play a vital role in providing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. With the invention of the Internet, it is possible to obtain information of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
ingredients, daily nutrient proportion needed in each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
category and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
recipes within minutes.
Therefore
, learning about how to prepare nutrient meals have never been easier. I believe supplying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
snacks for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
during school days and preparing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
balanced meal in the evening in routine could lead to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
body.

However
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be forgotten
that ensuring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have an adequate amount of physical exercise is
also
a critical contributor to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be the ones who play a crucial role in upbringing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
environment.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. v. 17

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
275 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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